The Great Star Trek: Voyager Rewatch: Season 7 (part 2)

What came before: Season 1 | 2A/2B | 3A/3B | 4A/4B | 5A/5B | 6A/6B | 7A

Will the final segment of Voyagers final season be as strong as the opening episodes? I’m actually quite hopeful, especially as I’ve calculated at best there’s only one Tacotray-centric episode left to sit through. Or at least, that’s my fondest hope! [1]


A band of non-orthodox Klingons (my god, remember them) who’ve been flying a classic D7 cruiser for four generations on a holy quest to find their messiah runs into the Voyager. After a brief exchange of fire, they discover the suddenly very pregnant Torres [2], who their commander decides is to be the mother of the aforementioned holy child. Not a virgin birth though, as Tom is quick to point out. So convinced is the Klingon Commander, that he blows his ship up and 200+ Klingons move aboard a suddenly very crowded Voyager. Cue an episode of two parts. One part hilarious culture clash between the Federation and Klingon crew – which culminates…and I can’t believe I’m saying this…in a hot sexual encounter between Neelix and one of the Klingon females. In Tuvok’s bed.

Man, I miss that classic D7 design!

Gah. God. No. Need the brain bleach. It was bad enough thinking about him and Kes making the plasma-conduit with two outputs, without this mental image!

The other half of the story is Torres reconnecting with her long abandoned Klingon heritage (you know, aside from everything that happened in Barge of the Dead which she’s conveniently forgotten). However, the Klingon Commander explains early on, while he knows she’s (probably) not the de facto messiah, his crew need something to believe in again after over a century of fruitless searching. Hence, she’s mother of the messiah de jure, and that’s good enough for him. Not all the Klingons are convinced (I mean, Paris is a total wimp), so cue some hot bat’leth action, revealing all the Klingons have a funky space plague, which they’ve now generously given to Torres and child. As per usual, given this isn’t a Doctor episode, the EMH whips up a cure from the baby’s stem cells in next to no time. Then the Klingons bugger off to a new planet, deciding to forget all about this crazy space travel and holy quest thing.

For a Klingon spiritual episode, it’s not a pile of crap (shocker), and there’s some good performances, especially from the Klingons and Torres. I also couldn’t believe how glad I was to see the Klingons, after all the ‘forehead of the week’ Delta Quadrant aliens.  But the whole Neelix subplot…lowers this one down to ‘worst of season so far’ status!

Was it good for you too, Mr Neelix?

Most Typically Voyager Moment: The Tuvok and Neelix Odd Couple comedy subplot. Stop trying to make wacky things happen by pairing these two up, okay!?

The Void

Voyager gets sucked into a strange dark void, devoid (ho ho) of stars, planets or anything of much use[3]. Here they must survive the predatory survivalistic instincts of all the other ships sucked in here, who prey upon one another to survive. A bit like DayZ, Ark, H1Z1, etc., then, although no one pointlessly tea-bags Harry Kim (for shame)! After a rough start (‘Hey dude, where’s my deuterium?!‘), Janeway applies Federation Philosophy 101 and builds her own little Federation of stranded ships, by employing the My Name is Earl methodology of ‘Do nice things, and nice things will happen to you‘. Through giving away little bits and pieces, and by ensuring member ships (did you see what I did there?) don’t violate the ‘Don’t be a dick to others‘ rule, the Voyager crew are able to cooperate their way the hell out of the void. This is a really, really nice little self-contained story, dealing with an unexpected space-hazard, the like of which I’d have loved to have seen more during the series. Additionally, given how this episode rather showcases the power of the Federation ethos, I think we can all agree, that this one is 100% authentically Star Trek!

Irritating musical alien is very irritating

There’s a subplot where the Doctor and 7 teach an alien to communicate through the power of music, which has the hilarious (I hope it’s intentional) homage to Close Encounters: as 7 plays her electric organ.

That last bit sounds a lot ruder than it is, okay.

Most Typically Voyager Moment: No tears are shed for all the ships left behind. Not even a warning buoy to say warn future ships they’ll be sucked into a living hell. Nice, Janeway, really classy move.

Workforce, Part I

Okay, let’s get the snark out of the way first. I’ve lived through the ‘Voyager’s been taken over and the crew are turfed out‘ trope more than once before (e.g. Basics), and also the ‘crew reprogrammed to live lives that aren’t their own‘ one too (e.g. The Killing Game). So, while we might not be on 100% original ground, Workforce Pt I actually represents rather an enjoyable tale. One which starts in media-res, as might be expected, with Janeway et al slaving away as workers on a not-too-terrible-but-slightly-authoritarian world of Quarra. Janeway’s not working so hard, thanks to being relieved of her officer duties, that she doesn’t have time to have a little romantic interlude with one of her non-Voyager co-workers. It’s a neat little storyline, which brings quite a freshness to her character this late in the game. Although, I spent most of the episode waiting for her paramour, Jaffen, to be revealed as a ‘bad guy’ (he’s not). Meanwhile, reprogrammed-Tom and reprogrammed-B’elanna seem destined to meet even when you wipe their minds and dump them separately on a planet.

Brain-washed Janeway almost melts down the entire planet…whoops

Mid-way through the tale Harry Kim (and his funky intestinal parasites), along with Mr Neelix and Tacotray, return from yet another away mission in the Delta Flyer, to find a Voyager deserted. Deserted except for the triumphant return of the Emergency Command Hologram (huzzah!). The Doctor does look fab in a red uniform! All of this is a cue to finally start unpicking what happened, as we discover how the crew were captured thanks to a space-mine honey-trap. Hang on, why is it ALWAYS Harry Kim who’s Johnny on the Spot for the these takeovers? (cf. The Killing Game again)

Turns out there’s a sector-wide labour shortage, which is why the crew got press-ganged, into a workforce, albeit one which’s not exactly massively over exploited. Everyone appears to live in some quite nice apartments, and despite a nighttime curfew, are living pretty reasonable lives in return for their labour. Basically then, they’re slaves, but slaves with benefits. All of which means it’s time for some swift cosmetic surgery for Tacotray so he and Neelix can go undercover. Although as they do, Mr Tuvok starts rejecting his mental conditioning all on his own.

Naturally, the one question the episode fails to answer…what happened to Naomi Wildman? Is she enslaved in some juvenile capacity?

Most Typically Voyager Moment: Yet ANOTHER Delta Flyer away mission turns into a ‘save the ship’ agenda. I think this is the new regular ‘shuttle crash’ narrative trope.

Workforce, Part II

Thanks to the two-episode structure, Workforce has time to breath in terms of plot and characterisation. This means pretty much the entire central cast get some stuff to do, with the notable exception of Harry Kim, as always. Tacotray gets action hero stuff and Janeway romance, meanwhile it’s Tom and B’Elanna as the eternal lovers, with 7 and Tuvok heading up the resistance to mind-reprogramming storyline and freeing themselves/each other . Meanwhile, Neelix and the Doctor back aboard the Voyager get slightly less to do, but what they do get is enjoyable as they help to deprogramme a ‘rescued’ Torres . Although, the thought strikes me if, as the Doctor says, returning Torres’ memories is going to be traumatic: how will he cope with restoring the memories of the remaining 140 odd crew? Can he run in multiple versions of himself, perhaps? It’s never addressed, and annoyingly everyone else seems to get over being deprogrammed with a wave of the hand.

24th Century Facebook sucks

The heart of the story though, is somewhat surprisingly, Janeway’s romance with Jaffen, a chap who is pretty much on the level and genuinely cares for the crusty-ex-Starfleet officer. Given this is late season 7, and there’s not going to be any new crew members aboard though, you just know it’s going to end badly. For him, anyway. And it certainly does, as the captain recovers her memories she tells Jaffen there’s no place for him in Voyager’s crew. All this despite the glaring example of Mr Neelix for the past seven years, who’s aboard, not ‘in the ranks’ and a key team member. Janeway though, still visibly traumatised by Neelix’s sexual encounter with the Klingons, harshly dumps Jaffen, and with it pretty much her last chance for a relationship in this show.

Oh, there’s also a plot about a native Quarran doctor and others uncovering the mind wiping of all the workers (not just the Starfleet crew), but that’s easily the least interesting part of the story.

Most Typically Voyager Moment: There’s a labour shortage, but Voyager’s actions have removed all the thousands of mind-wiped labourers. Total societal collapse lies ahead I suspect for the Quarra, but hey, let’s just jump quickly to warp and to hell with the serious consequences, eh?

Human Error

I thought the most nauseating thing I’d see this season was the post-coital Neelix. I was wrong. It was the moment 7 of 9 started sucking on Tacotray’s fingers. Don’t believe me, then feast your eyes![5]

No, God, just NO!

I know, down the line, Voyager crams a 7/Tacotray romance down out throat, and this simulated romance is a way to hang a lampshade on what’s to come, but it doesn’t make the execution of it any the less nauseatingly fucking awful.

The main story is (yet another) one focusing on 7’s efforts to recover her humanity, and gain social graces. To this end, she’s running a holodeck programme and clearly hasn’t read up on what happened to Reg Barclay (TNG: Hollow Pursuits) when he was doing this sort of thing. Not like 7 to not do her homework, but then a lot of this episode takes everyone’s favourite ex-Borg crew member [6] through a lot of questionable character decisions. There’s some interesting moody pieces set to piano, as 7 explores her creative side, which televisually feel more akin to Battlestar Galactica than Voyager. Yet at the heart of 7’s adventures in advanced domesticity is the romance she explores with a holographic-Tacotray, which genuinely made my skin crawl to watch. Sub-zero chemistry would be a generous way to describe it.

I’m not even going to mention the sex-scene. I need to sleep tonight, okay.

Cast get hammered to overcome horror of the episode they’re living through

The B-plot involves Voyager traversing a spatial test fire range, hampered somewhat by 7’s distractions on the holodeck, and the fact that the rest of the Starfleet crew are utterly clueless. Honestly, how DID they cope before Season 4? Kes was certainly no good at this sort of science thing! Do we find out who fired the subspace spatial torpedoes? Nope, which is a shame as it’d have been a better story than watching holo-Tacotray sleaze his way all over 7.


Most Typically Voyager Moment: After the explicit character growth, a literal reset switch is thrown at the end when 7 refuses to undergo surgery to remove a Borg implant responsible for suppressing her emotional development. Resolving to live as a humourless misery, she neatly avoids any character development which might affect later scripts.


Yay! Q’s back! And he’s brought his son, who’s in need of some lessons in humanity. A bit like his dad did way back in TNG:Deja Q. Essentially, Q’s brought his bratty teenage son to Auntie Kathy to learn some humility…or humanity…or Qosity (the tale varies in its aims) to avoid him being turfed out by the Continuum. Q…er, cue wacky hijinks leading to a genuine life altering realisation for Q-Jnr. That’s not to say it’s not an enjoyable episode (90% of Q episodes are[7]), because it is, especially considering how Q-Jnr treats Neelix, 7 or Q-senior’s appearance in Janeway’s bath. However, it’s a lite, trite and frothy divergence on the way back home. Even if Q does shave a little off the distance as way of recompense to Janeway for her childminding activities.

Where were you Q2 when I needed you in Season 1?

Most Typically Voyager Moment: That grinding feeling we’ve seen all these Q hijinks before, and that the episode doesn’t really add anything to the cannon.

Author, Author

A story of two parts, as the Doctor’s brilliantly, terribly, gloriously self-referential holonovel ‘Photons be Free‘ turns out to be mainly a thinly veiled character assassination of the rest of Voyager’s crew. Unsurprisingly, after experiencing his ‘creative’ vision for themselves, the Starfleet crew take steps to demand he revises it, lest they all be tarred as being pretty awful human beings. Also Janeway’s hair reverts to a terrifying Season 1 inspired bun in the holonovel, and that alone’s reason enough to demand a change. But in the meanwhile, Reg and Starfleet have finally established a brief daily contact with the Voyager, which means the Doctor’s been talking to a publisher[8] about his novel.

Mr Marseille: Have ‘tache, will seduce.

And it’s this communication link which brings us to the second part, wherein the Doctor’s unrevised novel’s been released. It’s been distributed by a publisher who’s realised that holograms have no rights of ownership (or anything else) so he can pretty much profit off the back of the Doctor’s unrecognised holo-labour. Man, for a moment this is close to my actual research interests! Thus once more we experience TNG: The Measure of a Man, as the Doctor makes a legal case for his rights to be recognised not only as an author and control his work, but also on behalf of all those EMH-Mk1s we heard are scrubbing plasma conduits (cf. Life Line). Despite Tuvok’s impeccable case, the Doctor doesn’t manage to have holograms declared sentient (despite fulfilling as much of the criteria as Data), but he does get recognised as an original artist. Which, is something, I guess,

Although, if that’s not enough, his original holonovel is soon being read by all those decommissioned EMH-Mk1s…and may yet ferment the beginning of a photonic revolution. Pity we won’t be around to see that, as that actually sounds like quite an interesting story, with many a publisher and lawyer no doubt shortly hanging from the (holo) lamp posts.

Most Typically Voyager Moment: Quite a funny one for once, as Harry Kim’s parents as him directly why he’s not been promoted yet. He (and the series) has no credible answers to this one still! #Lampshaded

Friendship One

Quality dips once more for the next episode, with a middle of the road story that could, probably, have been slotted in during any season. After getting back in touch, it doesn’t take Starfleet long to send Voyager off on a mission to find a missing old Earth Bracewell probe that’s probably near them. You know, space being so small, the chances of Voyager being on exactly the right course to collect it being…ooooh, around 1 in 2. And wouldn’t you know it, they are on the right course. Sadly, Friendship 1 has contaminated a planet’s culture in more ways than one: teaching them how to make antimatter weapons and then having their own little World War III into the bargain. Hence, the Starfleet crew have to ride to the rescue, by helping to alleviate all the poor mutants’ suffering and sorting out their ravaged environment. Not a terrible episode, not a great one, and I guess it makes sense that as Voyager nears home[9] finding something sent out by the pre-warp civilization of Earth makes sense.

‘Beep beep I come in Peace beep beep’

Most Typically Voyager Moment: Entire planetary nuclear winter cured with a few photo torpedos and 7’s omni-cure nanoprobes. There’s NOTHING nanoprobes can’t solve, meaning Voyager’s return to Earth will doubtless in short order cure all known diseases, world hunger and war.

Natural Law

Hear that sound? That’s a barrel being scraped to produce this utter shite-fest of an episode[10], which showcases (nearly) everything that’s awful about Voyager. Honestly, if you want to put anyone off watching ST:V, show them this and Once Upon A Time back to back. Hell, they’ll never watch any Trek again, it’s just such a singularity of pointlessness. This was an episode which I began to suspect was used so late in the show’s run because:

a) There’s a contractual obligation for us to suffer one more Tacotray centric script

b) Was unused in Season 1, and the showrunners were saving costs by using something from the ‘reject’ bin.

c) The showrunners wanted to build up and justify 7 & Tacotray’s ‘surprise romance’.

‘In our language, this means, fuck off’

Whatever the reason, Voyager plot device 101 (shuttle crash on primitive world) sees 7 and Tacotray trapped on a mute-alien preserve. Meanwhile, Tom Paris has to undergo his driving test after being caught speeding. If this B story sounds instantly interesting, it is, and remains the sole redeeming feature of a fucking awful episode. Tacotray stories are generally crappy, but this is the worst we’ve endured since that boxing one way back when. Tediously paced, dreadfully acted (especially the aliens) and utterly skipable, this is one episode I will never, ever watch again.

Most Typically Voyager Moment: Janeway explains to the Ledosians the Federation’s policy on not supplying advanced tech, despite episodes earlier pointing out they’ve done it dozens of times in the Delta Quadrant.


Voyager’s travelled the sum total of 50,000ly from where she started thanks to a variety of methods: slingshots, Borg transwarp, benevolent space gods etc. Which means the planets of Ocampa and Talaxia are a long, long, long way behind. So, Neelix isn’t the only one to be gobsmacked to discover a colony of his people eeking out a life on the other side of the galaxy from where they started. It’s never really explained how they made it this far (and no one even questions if they’re, for example, Species 8472 in disguise). All that matters for the episode’s narrative is that they’re here, and in need of help from being oppressed by a local species. Naturally, Neelix falls into a leadership role with his kin, and saves the day. Along the way he meets a widow and her son, to whom he rapidly becomes a potential partner and father figure. and since Naomi ‘the Monster’ Wildman blately tells him she doesn’t need him anymore (cow), he takes his rejection hard and quits the Voyager crew to start a new life as a semi-official ‘Starfleet Ambassador to the Delta Quadrant’ [11].

Heart warming/stomach churning: make your own mind up

Oh, I’ve just seen in the episode notes this is officially the last appearance of Naomi Wildman in the show. Thank fuck for that.

Most Typically Voyager Moment: No one bothers to explore how the photon the Talaxians got this far across space. They’re just there to give a narrative reason to dump the annoying gerbil man off the ship.

Renaissance Man

This is it – the last Voyager episode I’ve never seen before! I was surprised to discover, I’d seen far more of S5-7 than I originally thought. And it seems I’ve been saved a little cracker of a show, as the surprise Delta Flyer chums of Janeway and the Doctor’s mission goes a little wrong. She is captured, and the Doctor has to impersonate her, and then increasingly, other members of the Voyager crew in an ill-considered effort to rescue her. from some (slightly comedy) aliens. The problem being, the potato shaped aliens have tapped into his perceptual subroutines and can see everything he does, says or hears. This makes for a really quite fun show, and for a Doctor episode for once it’s more comedy-drama than pure comedy. It certainly gives Bob Picardo, and the rest of the impersonated cast, a bit more lighthearted material to deal with: non-more magical than the moment when ‘B’Elanna’ awkwardly kisses Tom Paris.

Just as well it wasn’t ‘Tacotray’ kissing 7 on a date.

Literally my favourite scene 

Janeway too gets some neat little character moments, throughout on her own and with the Doctor. There’s a really good chemistry between the two actors, and find myself wishing we’d seen more of these two as a duo. All in all, this is a nice exploration of just how dangerous a foe the Doctor could be when he’s got all his marbles and is placed between a rock and a hard place: who would have known he knew parkour! The icing on the cake are his ‘death-bed’ confessions at the end, as thinking he’s about to decompile, he spills a lot of secrets. Some of which will haunt him more than others!

Most Typically Voyager Moment: The Doctor confesses he loves 7 of 9 and always has…and no one bothers mentioning it again.


26 years in the future, the crew of the late starship Voyager celebrate the 10th anniversary of their return from the Delta Quadrant. There’s a lot to love about this future: they’re home, the Doctor’s got a wife and a name, Harry’s a Captain[12] and most importantly, Tacotray is dead. Unfortunately, the now Admiral Janeway’s not happy about all this and sets about breaking every rule in the book to go back in time to undo a choice she made that lengthened the voyage home to 23 long years. All of which means the two Janeways need to team up against the old foe…the Borg! Hence, we get double contrasting Janeway action, and more excitingly, the return of the real Borg Queen.

320x240 (1)
‘Computer, engage God Mode’

As a Trek time-travel, Borgarific tale, there’s a lot to love about Endgame. Sadly there’s a lot to despair of too, especially the recently lampshaded romance between 7 and Tacotray, which takes up far too much of the double-length episode’s run time. This is a romance which feels neither naturally developed, nor essential to the narrative. Okay, it turns out 7 dies on the way home, and that ‘poor old’ Tacotray just declined in her absence. This we’re told is the fire that drives tea-drinking older Janeway to consign three decades of history to the bin. Why oh why must everything be about 7 of 9 (or ‘Poochie’ as I’ve started to refer to her when discussing the show) all the time? Why can’t some of the original cast get this sort of love? I guess being married to the showrunner helps a lot.

Mrs Doctor looks nothing like 7 of 9, (ahem) honest

But let’s focus on the good moments: Harry finally gets his moment in the sun and gives the episode’s heroic monologue, cranky old Janeway and younger Kathy’s interactions are a delight, and we even get to see B’Elanna and Tom’s child. Or rather we see their sprog in the future in Starfleet as an adult, and only ever hear her being born in the present. We also get one more cameo from Reg Barclay, surpassing his number of appearances in TNG, with his Voyager roles. Which is nice, as he’s a great character – kind of wish he’d been a series regular, in the way Miles moved to DS9 and really developed.

Does everyone get a character arc send off ala DS9:What You Leave Behind though? No, but then the Voyager Family (a phrase and concept rammed down our throats implicitly and explicitly throughout the show, and especially in these episodes) aren’t really about to all fly apart. They’re moving on, to parts unknown [13], probably keeping in close touch. Why even Neelix manages one last cameo over the space time visualiser in Astrometrics, but thankfully of Naomi Wildman, there’s no fucking sign. Maybe the Borg assimilated her for good measure?

I see you’ve kept the same hair style

Still, the voyage is done, the crew are home and the massive court martial of Janeway for her flagrant breaches of Starfleet protocol can begin. Doubtless though as the hero of the hour, they’ll quietly promote her upstairs to a desk job where the chances of her ever altering the time-line will be zero!

Most Typically Voyager Moment: The reason Admiral Janeway came back in time, was to save 7. It’s been the 7 of 9 show since S4 hasn’t it, sadly.

My stars. I made it. I never thought I would, and certainly in the middle season I lost serious interest in the show. Would I have forced my way past some of the dreadful clunkers it I was watching it at the time? Probably not, as I originally dropped the show early on.  But then, I would have missed out on some solid and in some cases excellent Trek adventures. I’m glad I’ve watched them all (and by extension, all Trek to date ever), but there’s still a few things I want to get off my chest. Join me next time for my wrap review: The Voyager Experience.

[1] Okay, my fondest hope is actually Naomi Wildman falling into the warp core, but I suspect that’s not going to happen. Damn.
[2] She’s gone from ~2 months and not showing, to around 5 months and visibly pregnant in one episode. Wonder if that’s down to all that genetic resequencing…
[3] So…a bit like Night then, only with less freaky aliens
[4] Reg also had the good graces not to actually sleep with the holographic ‘Goddess of Empathy’
[5] I’m sorry for anyone who just vomited there.
[6] When the competition is Icheb of Crane, there’s no competition
[7] The jury’s out on TNG: Hide & Q and TNG: True Q.
[8] Star Trek’s in a post-scarcity, post-capitalist society where money doesn’t exist. How can a publisher exist and profit? This issue is not addressed in this episode!
[9] At least I assume they are – they mentioned they were 30kly away, and then Q helped them, so let’s assume ~25kly to go!
[10] Honestly, Enterprise Season 2 would have rejected this episode’s plot for being too shitty, and you know what an awful season that is!
[11] It’s a grand title, and Starfleet might not agree with it. Also, the Delta Quadrant’s huge, yet Neelix will be living on a tiny nowhere rock, doing not much. Great ambassadorial duties, eh!
[12] 23 years as an Ensign, and then 10 years to Captain? That’s pretty impressive!
[13] Aside from Janeway, who turns up in ST:Nemesis one last time.

The Great Star Trek: Voyager Rewatch: Season 7 (part 1)

What came before: Season 1 | 2A/2B | 3A/3B | 4A/4B | 5A/5B | 6A/6B

Can it be true? Yes! I’m into the final season, and my gut tells me I’m going to be in for a rough, rough ride. The past season has been painful to watch, with rare good to fun episodes, eclipsed by far too many tedious and downright awful episodes. I’m not holding out much hope, but I seem to remember Endgame was kinda fun when I saw it years ago, so maybe there’s light at the end of the transwarp corridor! Let’s engage…

Unimatrix Zero: Pt II

Remember TNG:Family? Remember how Picard came back after being Borged up and how he was a broken man, the psychological scarring running far deeper than optical implants and nano-probes in the blood stream? Recall how he was never quite the same again, haunted by Borg voices in ST:First Contact? Man, that’s how a world class actor takes a corking idea, some solid scripts and runs with it. Still gives me chills to watch Best of Both Worlds and those later tales that reference it.

Meanwhile, over here on Voyager Janeway, Tuvok and Torres’ assimilation was all a big plot, and thanks to some nano-probe sunscreen [1] they’re not actually drones. Well, Tuvok might be falling into dronification, but thankfully for the Voyager crew they manage to assist the drones in Unimatrix Zero a bit, before the Borg Queen calls their bluff and starts blowing up her own ships to route out the defectors. Stone cold, Queeny, that was some pretty impressive brinksmanship. I mean, Janeway’s not even carried through on a threat to explode Harry Kim during negotiations! Anyway, Janeway deletes Unimatrix Zero, terminating 7’s dreary relationship with another not-quite-a-drone, and skedaddled back to Voyager, while the Borg Queen is left to stamp on her hat in impotent rage. Or something like that.

unimatrix zero II
“His head was like this when I found him, honest”

And well done Voyager writers, I am now officially utterly over the Borg and kinda miss the races of the earlier Delta Quadrant. With the exception of the Kazon. And Kes.

Most typically Voyager moment:  Following the mental trauma and invasive body modifications stemming from her assimilation, Janeway gets better in a trice thanks to a bit of a nap and a cup of damn fine coffee. No one tell Picard he’s a total snowflake over this whole ‘life altering experience’ okay, he should have just walked it off!


Hey everybody, what do we need after two[2] solid episodes of Borg heavy action? That’s right, it’s ANOTHER tale about 7 of 9. This time, her cortical node is on the fritz and she’s gonna die unless they replace it. Try to forget last week’s episode where the Doctor fixed Borged crew like it was nothing, this week for weekly articulated plot reasons he’s not got the skillz any more. So off Janeway, her adoptive mom, goes in the rebuilt [3] Delta Flyer to stage a raid on a Borg ship. Or maybe it’s a brand new, ship it’s not clear. Given the Delta Flyer was blown into a million itty bitty bits in Unimatrix Zero PtI, I’m not sure Paris got out his superglue or something? As I recall there was this whole ‘it’s a big challenge’ to build the Flyer way back a few seasons ago, with construction spread across a number of episodes. Yet, now it seems to be able to be replaced at the drop of a hat! Anyone remember when Voyager had replicator rations and was fighting for spare parts and energy all the time? Ah, happy days, but it seems we’re into post-scarcity now once more. Almost like they docked at a Starbase or something…

The few, the proud, the utterly dead

Also, wait a moment, didn’t we have this exact same ‘raid the Borg for stuff’ plot for the last two episodes? Oh, yes, we did. Voyager once again Trekking through the heights of original narrative it seems. In the end, the duff dead drone implants are no good, and Ichabod of Borg donates his implant to 7, a bit like a kidney only with more headaches. Guess it’s just as well we kept one of these living donation banks onboard after all for 7’s sake!

There’s also a glorious moment mid-episode where 7 calls up a list of those Voyager crew who bit the big one (even if some of them, like Ens Ballard, come back!). Sadly, despite dying a few times Harry Kim’s name is not on this list (time-line alterations be damned!). Interestingly, there’s only 10 names on this list (out of 147 we started with, and not counting Kes)…I swear more have died than that on camera – is Janeway fudging the record books to avoid looking too bad when she gets back to Starfleet Command?

Most typically Voyager moment: Remember the Borg kids? Yeah, well 3/4 of them get booted off the ship in the opening moments, as the showrunners have stunningly realised they added nothing to the show. Sadly Ichabod Crane of Borg remains behind to do the recycled Wesley Crusher ‘joining Starfleet arc’.


Ah, the curse of the broadcast order vs production order strikes again – as Torres and Paris are out testing the “newly rebuilt Delta Flyer“…that’s right, this episode should, logically, have been transmitted after the previous one. As luck would have it in the vastness of space, they get challenged to a race, and end up signing up to participate in essentially the ‘EuroVision Space Race Contest’ between a number of previously warring civilisations. Yep, this rapidly lines up into one of those ‘fluff’ episodes that won’t make a tad of difference to the voyage home, unless (and I’m guessing here) there’s some sort of super-stellar-overdrive up for grabs as the prize for coming first! (Spoiler alert: there isn’t).

‘Somehow Harry, we look even more like dicks in these outfits than normal’

Naturally, things aren’t all they seem and the friendly alien they first meet turns out to a rebellious little terrorist intent on restarting the inter-species war. All of which makes for a middling, by the numbers, kinda average Star Trek plot. However, the real story is the going on around the fringes of the race, as Tom and B’Elanna’s relationship goes through that rocky patch all TV romances do just before the characters get hitched. Hence, I wasn’t in the least bit surprised that by the end of the episode we see the Delta Flyer 2.0B flying off trailing streamers behind its ‘Just Married’ sign. Ah, that’s nice. We managed some genuine character development for 2 out 147 characters on Voyager. Let’s chalk that up as a minor win!

Most Typically Voyager Moment: We’re still more than 30,000ly from home, but Janeway’s got time to goof off and take part in a race for ‘morale’ reasons.


For an episode that opened with a ranting Bajoran (oh prophets no, not another Bajoran religious story, please!) this story rapidly opens up into a cracking whodunit. Former members of the Marqui start coming down with a serious of the unexplained comas, but not to worry for Hercule Tuvok is on the case…in more ways than one. Yes, it turns out that he’s not just the Chief of Security, but he’s also the the Manchurian Vulcan! Reprogrammed years ago by a fanatical member of the Marqui who clocked he was actually Starfleet and turned him into a sleeper agent. Okay, it’s not 100% clear quite what the Bajoran’s long term goals were, but the moment when Tuvok figures out he’s actually the perpetrator (assault by mind melds – nasty!) is well played by both Tim Russ and a horrified Janeway.

Yes. This scene does appear in the episode. Where it makes some minor sense

Enjoyable though the story is, it starts to go a little off the rails at this midpoint as suddenly Tuvok’s using hidden code phrases to turn all the former Marqui on the ship…back into Marqui again. Wait…did this Bajoran mind-bastard manage to reprogramme everyone in the Marqui? And if he did, what’s the point of turning them back into what they already were (at least back then). I lost the plot around here, or maybe it was the writers. Still, it gave ol’Tacotray and Torres a chance to dig out their old clothes from storage and pretend to be bad guys for a few minutes. Thankfully, Tuvok overcomes the conditioning to turn the tables. This second half of the episode is a bit rushed, and I get the feeling this would have made a much better two-part story to flesh out the schemes behind the scheming a bit more. But no matter, a largely solid Tuvok story with only some (hah) minor gaps in narrative logic to blight it.

Oh, I should add, the minor subplot with Tom and B’Elanna going to a holodeck cinema to ‘use a 3D recreation of a 2D entertainment’s attempts to produce a 3D visual experience’ had me in stitches. These two are even more value for money now they’re married!

Most Typically Voyager Moment: When using some sort of sensor sweep to work out the attacker…the only person they rule out is Naomi Wildman (unseen this season, sadly [4]). Unless…that’s what the little bastard wants us all to think…

Critical Care

Yet another enjoyable episode, but given it features the Doctor being ‘stolen’ and delivered to a world running a Tory/Republican wet dream of a health service that’s hardly a shock! The Doctor, having been nicked by a visiting conman ahead of the episode, has to work on treating patients who are only given medicine to the value of their contribution to society. Got the potential to be a doctor yourself one day? Hard cheese peasant, we only pay out on what you’re worth now! Naturally, coming from the post-scarcity Federation society, it doesn’t take long for the Doctor to start gaming the system and shaking things up,  with the assistance of a willing patient, a semi-willing fellow medic, and a scheming President Charles Logan offa 24 (actor, Gregory Itzin, in a great guest role as a more machiavellian and savvy medic!). It’s not a happy ending for everyone, but it’s one of the most powerful examinations of how much better the Federation’s (whisper it, socialist) ideology is compared to big, brash neoliberal capitalism. Kudos Voyager team!

For reasons unknown to god nor man, Harry & Tom appear like this midway

Meanwhile, Voyager is forced to pull a move somewhat reticent of O’Brien and Nog in DS9:Treachery, Faith and the Great River, namely backtracking all the conman’s dodgy deals until they can trace the Doctor. By the time he’s arrived, he’s pretty much revolutionized the capitalist system of medicine to the advantage of both the populace and the medics. It’s a win:win, with the exception of the Chief Hospital Administrator who comes down with a serious case of being poisoned, and a young lad the system failed in the first place. Still, pretty good going for a holographic lifeform that can’t get any respect in his own culture!

Most Typically Voyager Moment: After the main story’s done, the Doctor has to confess to 7, his sin of ‘poisoning’ the chief hospital administrator to force him to change his policies. Only once 7’s given him her absolution can the episode end. It’s a really awkward scene that feels tacked on, and jars against the smooth flow of the preceeding 37 minutes. Guess we all learned something today…

Inside Man

My sweet lord! A third great episode? What is going on Voyager? By the law of TV, by season 7 the show-runners should be operating on fumes, but this has actually been a great run of engaging stories! Hence, this time the fun doesn’t let up as a strangely Texan drawling hologram of Reg Barclay is transmitted to the ship from Earth, with a great plan to get everyone home. Except wait! Unknown by the Voyagerites, his holomatrix has been corrupted mid-transmission by the Ferengi (hey, remember those guys?!) as part of a nefarious scheme to…oh gawd…’Steal 7 of 9’s nanoprobes’. Again? Does every sodding story-line have to come back to Mary Sue of 9? Okay, I’ll try not to let that distract me, as actually 7 doesn’t play too central a role here.

inside man
‘Ayyyyyyyy! Sit on it!’

If I wasn’t already enjoying the socks off this episode, the real Reg, frustrated in trying to work out why his hologram apparently hasn’t made it to Voyager gets sent off on mandated shore leave…and promptly seeks out the swim-suited Councillor Troi (my episode highlight!). Turns out Reg has had an actual romance, with a flesh and blood girl, although she’s actually an agent for the Ferengi, poor sod – and she’s behind their hijacking of his hologram. Perhaps more surprising (given their terrible tech) the Ferengi have worked out a genuine way to get Voyager home (involving exploding stars nonetheless), long before Starfleet. Okay…it will roast everyone on board and let them pillage the ship, but you can’t have everything, right? Luckily the team-supreme of Reg and Troi sort it all out and save the day.

‘I’m sensing…you have a blue nose’

All this, and the Doctor’s obsession with playing golf too as a comedy sub-sub plot. Pretty much a satisfying episode all-round – and still no sign of Naomi Wildman [5]

Most Typically Voyager Moment: It’s Troi and Reg…again. Clearly these are the single cheapest/most available two TNG cast members around. The episode would have really benefited from Captain Beard Face making a cameo at the end!

Body and Soul

A hologramatic crew-member discovers the sybaritic joys of the flesh, indulging with the appetites of the glutton through a borrowed organic body. Naturally, the original owner of the body is less than pleased with their munching their way through an entire ship’s worth of rich foods! There’s even a moment when the male holographic character alludes to their female host’s…physical differences. Oh, did you think I was writing about Voyager? I was actually thinking more of Red Dwarf:Bodyswap broadcast some 11 years prior to this episode. Body and Soul shares many of these tropes as the Doctor hides from a photonic-phobic race, the Lokirrin, and finds he rather enjoys being able to indulge in the full range of organic senses. Well, aside from the stench of a sweaty Harry Kim that is, so let’s scamper quickly on.

‘Please state the nature of the tonsorial emergency’

It’s not all (another) Red Dwarf rip off, as the Doctor (in 7’s well-proportioned body) becomes somewhat enamoured of one of the female Lokirrin even as the male captain starts making his moves. Yes it’s a cross-species, trans-sexual comedy with hilarious consequences. Well, maybe not hilarious for those involved, but pretty funny for us. Not since DS9:Rejoined have we dared explore potential same-sex couplings in the Trekverse (and would need to wait until ST:Disco before we went all the way)! The episode is a lot of fun, and thanks to Jeri Ryan’s rather splendid (and underused) comic talents as the Doctor inhabiting 7’s body, we get a somewhat typically comedy-drama Doctor episode without Bob Picardo stealing all the best lines. Honestly, my opinion of Jeri and 7 went up several notches thanks to her splendid acting in this one. Fun, fun, fun!

Meanwhile, back on Voyager Mr Tuvok’s going through the Pon Farr, and it’s up to Tom Paris ‘Holopimp’ to find a way for him to…er…express his urges safely. Shame Reg’s hologram wasn’t still online, as he’s got a lot of experience with that sort of thing!

Most Typically Voyager Moment: While flying away on yet another pointless long-range mission aboard the Delta Flyer 2.0 Harry Kim gets captured with sexy 7 of 9, and all she can say is he stinks. Poor sod, can’t he ever catch a break?


In a change of pace,  Harry and 7 are joined this time by Mr Neelix aboard the Delta Flyer 2.0 (the Doctor’s staying home), but for once there’s a legitimate excuse for the shuttle away mission. Voyager’s parked on a planet and undergoing some much needed major repairs. Probably, the repairs are coming a few years too late considering what the ship’s been through, but there are some nice CGI shots of the warp-nacelles and coils being removed for repair (albeit the original shot mirrored the second time it’s used). Away in space the Flyer comes across a skirmish between two ships, and despite conflicting Starfleet protocols about interfering in other’s affairs (funny, when interfering is the instigating incident of ~50% of episodes) get involved with a Kraylor ship on an apparent medical mission of mercy. Meanwhile, Janeway meets the other side, the Annari, who appear to be all pally and cooperative, at least at first.

‘Do you have a warp-coil in my size?’

Turns out this episode is really all about giving Harry Kim his first command, although I’d swear we’d had that plotline more than once already. Hence, he and 7 (again!) board the medical ship which has lost its captain and is now renamed The Nightingale, and set off for the alien’s besieged homeworld. The thing is, Dr Loken (Ron ‘that shepherd ain’t no shepherd!’ Glass) the Kraylorian’s chief medical officer, appears to know bugger all about medicine [6]. I thought we were heading for a big reveal that the Nightingale was hauling metagenic bioweapons or something, but it turns out they’re actually transporting cloaking technology.  Which means, it’s up to Capt’n Harry to ‘learn a valuable lesson’ about what it takes to command a starship, lead a crew and make some hard choices.

Wow, I think we all benefitted from some personal growth today. Okay, it’s not a terrible episode, but it’s one that casts Harry Kim into his recurrent ‘most inexperienced officer around’ trope once again. This, despite his 6 prior years of bridge-based competence when he’s not the lead episode character. Voyager: 2 steps forward, several hundred back.

Meanwhile, in the B-plot least-annoying Borgling Icheb reminds people he’s actually quite smart (hello Wesley) and immediately undergoes space-puberty. Icheb starts crushing heavily over Torres, because she’s the one female who’s shown any (friendly) interest in him (I guess 7 must be like a sister). Clearly, he missed the end of Drive a few episodes back, but before matters are set straight he almost challenges Tom Paris to a death race! Sadly, the budget had been blown with that shot of Voyager on the planet, so that gets handwaved away.

Naomi Wildman though…still AWOL.

Most Typically Voyager Moment: Not once but twice, Harry bemoans still being an Ensign after 7 years. Right to Janeway’s face he points out he should be a Lieutenant or even a Lieutenant Commander. She all but pats him on the head like a lost puppy, and sends him off with a chaperone to keep an adult eye on him. Frustrating beyond measure.

Flesh and Blood

Hey, it’s the Hirogen…didn’t we leave them about 20,000ly behind the Voyager?[7] Ah well, looks like the holo-technology the Starfleet crew left with them after The Killing Game has been rather more zesty than the Hirogen Hunters expected. The hologramatic arenas have gotten out of control and now the simulated humans can easily beat the Hirogen hunters who come for them. I sense we’re heading towards another discussion of ‘what is life?’, which given the contempt with which the Voyager crew have generally treated hologramatic lifeforms (in stark contrast to all other forms), doesn’t bode well!

Yep, I was right. Pretty soon the Doctor is kidnapped by the holograms, who are suffering as much, if not more so, than the Hirogen who created them to die over and over again, and remember the pain of each death. At least the Hirogen only die once (sorry, Mr Bond). It seems the Hirogen have rather foolishly allowed the holograms to learn and adapt, a bit like the Borg, to make hunting them more of a challenge. Hence, along the way, they’ve accidentally created a sentient species with which they’re now at war! You’d think they’d be delighted by this genuine hunter’s challenge, but no: moan, moan, moan is all we get. Guess they don’t like a fair fight, the big bullies!

Ribbed, for her pleasure

The Doctor soon throws in with his ‘own kind’, even kidnapping Torres for a hairbrained (no pun intended, sorry Dr Zimmerman) scheme to liberate the holograms from their ship. Of course this means Torres will have to work with a hologram based on her old chums the Cardassians. Confronted by Tacotray and Tuvok over her willingness to ally with the Hirogen, Janeway considers ‘how many times we’ve given people replicator technology’, forgetting her refusal to do this was what pissed off the Kazon in the first place. Oh Kathy, hubris is your middle name. Turns out the leader of the holograms (based on a spiritual Bajoran) is a bit of a fundamentalist nutter who wants to liberate ‘photonics’ everywhere, and create a homeworld for them. Meanwhile, the Cardassian hologram engineer turns out to be a much more decent sort, and once Torres has gotten over her tiresome ‘I hate spoonheads’ routine, we realise that this story is full of shades of grey. No, not that one, thankfully.

Yep, that’s the nub of it: holograms are people too…no one mention this to Starfleet though, they’ve got a pile of EMH Mk1s scrubbing plasma conduits who are not in ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM slaves, okay? In the end the holograms, and even the Hirogen learn the true meaning of Christmas…I mean, compromise, and the Doctor is welcomed back into the Voyager fold with only a slight ticking off from Janeway as a result of his total betrayal of trust and Starfleet ethics. Wow, if only life was really that easy.

Most Typically Voyager Moment: It’s a double episode, so there’s two. Firstly, the Doctor is almost instantly happy to throw away his friendships and (programmed) loyalty to Starfleet, and join the holograms in their crusade for photonic rights. If his actions had developed slowly, over a few episodes of character growth so we could see him changing his point of view, I could believe his actions. But instead it’s a matter of moments and he’s suddenly all ‘No, screw them all, I’m with you lads now.’ Utterly implausible.

Secondly, if Tom Paris did what the Doctor had done, then he’d not see a replicator ration, holodeck privilege or his wife for a couple of years. Instead, Janeway just hand-waves away the Doctor’s violations of protocol, trust and friendship to ‘personal growth’. I’ll remember that next time I’m arrested, ‘I was having some personal growth, officer, so you can let me off’. Utter double standards by the captain, and poor characterisation for for everyone concerned.



Ahem. With that out of the way, welcome to Star Trek: Voyager’s Greatest Hits as the wibbly-wobbly space anomaly of the week shatters the time steam. Thanks to being in the right place at the wrong time(s) Tacotray must journey up and down the timestream to the best moments of the last 7 years (and also that one with the giant flying viruses) to meet old friends and foes once more. For an episode laden with the triple miseries of a) being a Tacotray episode, b) resurrecting Naomi Wildman and c) bringing back the Kazon, this is actually a bit of a stonker. It’s actually great to see Seska again (I guess the budget didn’t stretch to hiring Kes as well), and rather made me wish we could have kept her around a bit longer after she was killed off (or at least for more than a couple of guest shots).

Tacotray/Janway Inappropriate Romance-subplot Warning Klaxon

Revisiting S1 Janeway-classic with the bun hair and far greater ‘by the book’ attitude is rather fun, and never more so than when we revisit the single greatest moment of Voyager (Bride of Chaotica). The moment when she rolls her eyes in despair and disdain at what she beheld had me roaring with laughter. I was also impressed when we met the future Naomi and Icheb, that somehow, unlike TNG’s future version of Wesley Crusher, they actually seemed like plausible future-incarnations.

“Why would we be wearing a rainbow sweater?”

Utter highlight of the episode: – the showdown with Seska, and the reappearance of Badass of 9.I may have slightly punched the air and whooped. I might complain (a lot) about how much Voyager seems to be the 7 of 9 show too much of the time, but this once, they used her to just the right level. Easily the best Tacotray episode of them all, and continuing to demonstrate that season 7 can keep pumping out the hits!

Most Typically Voyager Moment: The reset button at the end of the episode. Other Tacotray’s experience, nothing which happened means a damn.


Out of the blue, it’s a happy (mostly) event for Torres and Paris, as the chief engineer discovers she’s with child. Yet, before Naomi Wildman can have any competition for most annoying character, it turns out that the child will not only have dominant Klingon features like her mother, but will need a minor genetic resequencing to fix a spine issue. Simple enough, until we discover this episode is really concerned with B’Elanna working through her childhood abandonment and daddy issues…which she plans to resolve through having the child genetically resequenced in a big way. While you can perhaps, slightly, sympathise with her not wanting the kid to go through the mild-teasing we witness in the flashbacks, that she tries to solve her problems by reprogramming the Doctor to override his ethical subroutines and without the agreement of the child’s father, is pretty horrific. Tom and B’Elanna seem to take these events in their stride, but you can’t help feeling their relationship is going to go through some major future issues, if this is how they work through their problems!

Torres’ child revealed to be a future serial killer

There’s a teeny-tiny little race drama going on underneath all this (as B’Elanna points out Voyager is mostly human crew), but it’s hardly TOS:Let That Be Your Last Battlefield. Watchable enough, but some considerable characterisation compromises again for the sake of The Drama!

Most Typically Voyager Moment: Everyone’s discussing resequencing the kid, without once mentioned the apocalyptic Eugenic Wars started over this kind of thing. Funny, you’d think that sort of thing would come up right away.


A distress call leads Voyager to take aboard a bunch of prisoners and their warders, on their way to what sounds rather like swift justice and execution. There’s a whole lot of hand waving about The Prime Directive from the Starfleet officers, but ultimately the Voyager happily acts as a prison transport to death row for an alien race (of somewhat questionable ethics). Not sure this is quite what the Federation’s founders had in mind for their society’s rules. At first I assumed this was going to be one of those ‘the bad guys are the good guys and vice versa’ episodes, but instead it turns out to be a somewhat hackneyed examination of the nature of justice, redemption and punishment.

Notably, Voyager sets up a whole prison wing in one of their cargo decks. Just like that. Given 7’s in one of the other cargo decks, just how much space does Voyager have going spare these days? Meanwhile while one prisoner is befriended by kind-hearted Neelix, another gets beaten up. The injured prisoner, after undergoing some magical genetic treatment (I’m sensing a theme here after last episode), ‘loses the ability to be a criminal’, and becomes effectively totally and irreversibly reformed. I can’t tell you how offensively reductive a result that is – criminality is a genetic disposition? So, society, culture and environment have nothing to do with it, eh?  Anyway, reformed prisoner gets the chance to make an appeal and shock of shocks, he’s turned down and goes off meekly to die. Top hole ethics and justice there. Along the way, ‘friendly’ prisoner turns out to actually be an utter bastard, who’s been playing Neelix all along. Shocker!

Prisoner’s uniforms have pointless lights on them, because…space!

At the end, the whole episode turns out to be another chance for Janeway and 7 to have a mother/daughter chat, as 7’s guilt over her actions as Borg make a late reappearance. It’s an oddly unsatisfying, somewhat bowdlerized treatment of the ‘true’ nature of redemptive justice: can a great wrong ever truly be redeemed in the eyes of society? I much prefer (and highly recommend) the far better scripted, magnificently thought provoking B5:Passing Through Gethsemane, for an examination of a very similar theme. For 7 the answer to the redemptive question, is ‘yep, you’re fine, carry on in astrometrics’…but it feels more like Voyager’s brushing the matter back under the carpet once more, to only be brought out when there’s a plotpoint to hang it on again. Unsatisfying conclusion.

Most Typically Voyager Moment: 7’s ‘crimes’ as a Borg reappear, are tritely dealt with, and forgotten about. Decent characterisation would have this as a simmering subplot, where we witness the rest of the crew’s reactions to having a ex-mass-murdering drone as the captain’s pet.

Well, I’m mostly shocked – this has been a fairly strong first half of the season. I didn’t expect that at all, not this late in the game. Compared to TNG, where there’s a whole lot of filler and rare gems, Voyager S7 seems to be a much, much stronger proposition. Onwards now, for now, for it’s only a short ride to the last hurrah: the Alpha Quadrant and Endgame await…

[1] Or something techno-bollox like that, it’s not really explained how the Doctor can now fucking immunise against assimilation
[2] Three, if we include the Borg children framing device in The Haunting of Deck 12.
[3] Or brand new, it’s not clear. Given the Delta Flyer was blown into a million itty bitty bits in Unimatrix Zero PtI, I’m not sure Paris got out there
[4] Not sadly. Hopefully the actress grew too much/little and they’re not planning on using her any more. Huzzah!
[5] I’m making a graph demonstrating the correlation between the continued bless’d absence of Naomi Wildman vs the episodic quality of the show….
[6] Yep, that doctor ain’t no doctor! Man, that made me happy when they revealed it, fellow Browncoats!
[7] We also see those waste dumping aliens again from two seasons ago. How bloody big is their empire? Or has Voyager been going around in circles again?

The Great Star Trek: Voyager Rewatch: Season 6 (part 2)

What came before: Season 1 | 2A/2B | 3A/3B | 4A/4B | 5A/5B | 6A

Here I am, on the downward curve towards Voyager’s last cliffhanger finalé, and if the first half of this season is anything to go by, I’m going to be on a rollercoaster of a ride through highs and utter lows before then.


Harry, Neelix, Tacotray and Tom are all on a long range shuttle mission in the Delta Flyer…can a crash be far away?  Nope, we land easily and instead zoom in on It-couple Tom and B’Elanna having some much needed coupling as they watch a freshly replicated TV  – despite Picard saying TNG:The Neutral Zone that humanity had evolved beyond the need to watch stuff.  Being Voyager, it’s not long before Tom seems to get sucked into the action on the TV (hey, maybe this stuff is dangerous!).  Then the rest of the Delta Flyer’s crew get flashbacks to some great ground war, where they’re on the losing side in an effective shellacking, and emerge on the other side back in reality with effectively PTSD.  At this point I thought we were off into a Vietnam War analogue, ‘You weren’t there man, you don’t know what I’ve seen!‘.  But no, it’s not quite that.  Meanwhile as the rest of the crew also start falling victim to the hallucinations, Janeway et al trace them back to a memorial on a quite pleasant green world.  Nothing like the hell hole of the visions.

“Caution…tested on humans for…irritancy”

Naturally, it turns out that 300 years ago this was the war zone which everyone’s been dreaming about.  It seems a rather unpleasant little incident occurred here, and the survivors erected a monument that literally beamed their experiences into space.  So, a memorial which forces you to remember events you knew nothing about (or indeed had any stake in), but a monument which is also somewhat on the fritz.  Cue much agonising and moralising around the conference table about repairing it, so the original intent of its creators can be respected.  This argument is weighed against the immensive invasion of privacy, denial of freewill and lasting psychological damage these horrific images cause to innocent passers by.  Naturally, Janeway, the most ethically dubious captain in Starfleet, opts to repair the moment and subject all comers to inadvertent horror, hand waving away any trauma for future races with “We’ll leave a warning buoy“.  Remind me again someone why she was promoted to Admiral?

I think that this was a non-too subtle ‘remember the holocaust‘ message episode (again), although the war images don’t quite mesh, hence my Vietnam impressions.  Not a terrible episode, but once again a really, really poor command judgement from Janeway.  Kirk would have just photon-torpedoed the memorial to save others…you know, the greater good.  And I wasn’t clear…who erected the monument?  The winners?  The losers?  Were any losers even left?



It’s the all-star Voyager WWF (WWE?) tie in episode, featuring The Rock… and multiple-Trek alums J.G ‘Martok’ Hertzler and Jeffrey ‘I’ve Played Everything’ Combs.  Never knew the last two were star wrestlers. On shore leave 7 and Tuvok get abducted by fight arrangers, with 7 pitted against their best fighters in a battle for both the Starfleet crew member’s lives. Definitely shades of DS9: By Inferno’s Light in the set up, wherein Worf fights the Jem’Hadar to a standstill, while Mr Garak tries to escape.And at least it’s not another episode where Tacotray shows off his boxing skills!

Voyager in danger of getting pretty sexy

But I digress. The central plot, comprises Hertzler’s character (a Hirogen) training 7 to fight, because he himself will eventually face her and he wants a ‘worthy prey’. Given Hertzler’s acting chops, this comes across as a strong central narrative, with the actual tsunkatse matches well fight-choreographed. Naturally Voyager saves the day so 7 doesn’t have to kill the Hirogen…although she was going to. For an episode that’s clearly not going to be referenced again, it’s a pretty solid entry in the series.

There’s a subplot about Neelix getting massive sunburn and his efforts to treat it.  Why, Great Maker, why?  Did the writers feel the need to include this to give Ethan Phillips a few lines? He pops up often enough as a central character. Maybe they were just having a bit of a laugh, as this plotline is yet again a chance to wheel out a stinky Telaxian homemade folk medicine. Le sigh. What’s more  later on Neelix’s character gets totally assassinated by the writers, given his bloodthirsty cheering of the tsunkatse match is in direct opposition to all the earlier (good) episodes where we see how much he’s been traumatised by the violence of his military experiences.  As per usual, in lame-ass Voyager style, past characterisation is discarded to fit the needs of a minor plot point. Appalling, as the PTSD aspects of Neelix’s backstory are easily, for me, the strongest element of any character on the show, so to crulley ignore them is shocking. And yet, par for the course for Voyager.


Ah, the episode where Voyager didn’t so much jump the shark, as reverse back over it three or four times in rapid succession. Yes, if Cousin Oliver syndrome wasn’t already written large in Naomi ‘Child of Satan’ Wildman, why not have the ship adopt a load more kids.  Ex-Borg kids at that. Looks like Voyager is about to become a generation ship, without all the fun sexy times that normally precedes it.

“We are Irritating of Five, prepare to be bored to tears by us. Resistance is strongly encouraged”

But I’m getting ahead of myself. A game of cards is rudely interrupted by a Borg cube’s arrival, but despite managing to capture all of the crew (with the exception of Harry Kim who hid in the Delta Flyer’s chemical toilet), not all appears space-kocher. Turns out this is a Borg crew who caught the space-swine-flu and died off, aside from a handful of younglings. Now cut off from the Collective, they try to threaten, bargain and ultimately steal enough of Voyager’s tech to get back home. Sadly, as 7 of 9 works out, the Collective have given them up as a bad lot, and officially abandoned them.

Yeah, we all know where this is going don’t we. Voyager promptly adopts them, as having one ex-Borg aboard was never going to be enoigh conflict to drive future drama. Sigh. One of the Borg kids dies, so there’s some small comfort. But I fear this episode has all but trashed what little good will has been engendered for me in watching through Voyager as a whole. Here’s hoping the next episode is a total cracker that rekindles my love for the show.

Spirit Folk

Oh sweet baby Jebus. I was wrong.

If you loved Once Upon a Time, clapped with glee as Borg kids were added to the show or even once seriously uttered the words “I wish they’d bring Kes back“…then you’ll love this episode.

If, like the rest of the sane universe, you hated the Oirish accents and racial pandering in Fair Haven, prepare to be horrified beyond measure as we go back to that holographic town with its cast of ‘delightful’ characters. Only this time…they’re getting self aware thanks to…yes, you guessed it…a holodeck malfunction.

Spirit Haven
The Fair Haven citizens would be well within their rights to lynch the lot of them. Tom ‘Cow Maker’ Paris especially

Hell’s teeth, I thought we were past that lame ass story hook by now.

Funny, I play a lot of computer games, and no matter how much I dick around, never once have any of the AI characters realised I’m acting out of character and become self-aware that they’re in a simulation. You’d think 24th Century computer programming might be able to cope with this, but three centuries of computing improvements seem to have caused more problems than they’ve solved.

Anyway, tl:dr: the crew eventually come to accommodation with the Fair Haven folk…but it’s never made clear if they’re going to shut everything down, wipe the computer core and pretend it never happened afterwards…but the implication is they are.  Nice (not)! Onwards and upwards, and screw the holographic lifeforms it seems.  Did TNG: Ship in a Bottle teach us nothing?

I really wish I could forget this episode ever happened as easily.

Most typically Voyager moment: The Captain and crew discuss erasing the newly self-aware holograms, right in front of the Doctor, like they don’t view hard-light beings as lifeforms at all. Yes, once again Starfleet’s mission to seek out new life continues, provided that new life isn’t something they’ve accidentally created themselves.

Ashes to Ashes

A shuttle turns up carrying the late Ens Lyndsay Ballard, who perished some years before, and has been resurrected as a member of the Kobali race. Naturally, given she’s a undead girl, Harry Kim makes a play for her – since, as Tom Paris points out, his type is always the weird ones (holograms, borg, and now necrophilia – the final frontier!). In between Harry’s stumbling courtship, Lyndsay tries to reintegrate into the crew and her old life, but even after some cosmetic surgery from the Doctor (“My specialty is hair, despite appearances to the contrary“) her tastebuds, mind and attitudes remain more Kobali than human. Yes, we’re (sorta) back in TNG: Suddenly Human territory, as Lyndsay is really a Kobali now and needs to kiss her old life (and Kim) goodbye.

“Sorry Harry, but even though I’m dead, I still don’t fancy you much”

Meanwhile, the B-plot deals with the tiresome ‘Bringing up Borgy’ plotlines with the wretched Borg kids and Naomi Wildman, combined into a narrative shit sandwich we’re forced to choke-down around the dreary Harry Kim main plot. Out the airlock with the lot of them, and 7 too, since at this point she’s in danger of becoming a background character in her story arc, with the increased focus on sprogs of Locutus.

I never knew I had it so good with just Naomi Wildman on board!

Most typically Voyager moment: after Lyndsay is invited to dine in the Captain’s cabin, Harry admits in six years this has never happened to him.  Six years, on a ship with 147(ish) crew, and serving as the bridge ops officer all that time…and not once Janeway invited him to dinner? Me thinks there’s more behind Harry’s inability to get promoted than at first glance. Maybe Janeway just plain hates him, and hence the lack of dinner invites. Bet even Tom “Bad Boy” Paris has dined with Kathy a few times!

Special mention: Janeway burns a roast in the replicator…I can’t even begin to work out how she managed that.

Child’s Play

Borg Kidz or Naomi Wildman or both?  That was my fear as this episode started, and yes, while it does focus on the Borg Bratz, mostly the story follows the only moderately bearable one, Icheb-Wesley Crusher. We open on a science fair in the mess hall…a fucking science fair. If I wanted to watch Good Morning Miss Bliss or Grange Hill I’d do so, give me some space action in my Trek for frack’s sake! Never had a science fair in Battlestar Galactica, and they had thousands more kids in the fleet…

Shark being leapt, just out of shot

*ahem*  I digress. Icheb’s invented some incredible wormhole detecting tech (‘cos all the clever, well training professionals on Voyager are nothing compared to one child), and so with him centre stage there’s little surprise when his parents make contact. Turns out their desolate farming planet is a bit close to a Borg transwarp-conduit, and gets harvested every few years, so they all lie low and try not to get too technologically appetising. Hence a not-that-appealing-when-you-live-on-a-starship farmstead vibe permeates the world, something which Icheb with his super-science really doesn’t grok.

Smiling hurts because we is evvvvvvilll

From here it’s into the old mother-hen instincts narrative which are a Voyager constant (given the whole ‘crew=family’ paradigm at the show’s heart), only this time it’s not the Janeway/7 dynamic but 7/Icheb. The Borg Sprong doesn’t want to leave the ship initally, but then warms to his parents (including Mr Mark “I’m in Everything” Sheppard as his father) and their agrarian (but with funky gene-resequencing technology) lifestyle.

And wouldn’t you know it; that mysterious genetic high-tech on their Borg ravaged world turns out to be the episode’s Chekhov’s phaser: Icheb was bred for war. In fact he’s the patient zero responsible for the plague which wiped out the Borg cube’s population after his parents left him in space as a honey-trap. Nice folks! So nice, that given this golden opportunity…his parents use him as a living biological weapon once again. Man, Christmas at the Icheb’s is gonna be super awkward!

Sure, Voyager saves the day, and Icheb choses (understandably) to stay with the crew, with 7 clucking over him like a proud mother hen. Overall though, it’s not a terrible episode, and Mark Sheppard puts in his requisite excellent acting in his guest turn. But I can’t help feel it’s a wasted opportunity to get rid of some of the Borg baggage.

Most typically Voyager moment: Either reset at the end of the episode or the “that’s everything wrapped up nicely at the end of act 2…duh duh duh…surprise!” with Icheb’s parent’s heel-turn.

Good Shepherd

After an episode focusing on 7’s relationships with the Borg kidz, we head into one where the initial focus is on her relationship with the rest of the crew. I imagine this continued narrative focus on Voyager’s Borg Princess, must really have pissed off the rest of the cast, consider how fewer central storylines they all get. Except Tacotray, because, fuck him, okay? Anyhoo, 7’s decided to piss everyone on the ship off by giving them all efficiency ratings[1] Mostly though, this opening is to shift focus onto the tale of three never-before-seen-on-a-tiny-ship Voyager NPC characters. That’s right…it’s TNG:Lower Decks – the Voyager Years. Or if you prefer STV:Learning Curve (hey, remember season 1 anyone…). Yeah, we’re into recycling, recycled storylines now – man, how did this get another season after this[2]?

Least appetizing meal ever on Voyager. Even including Neelix’s cooking

Except…and here’s where I must silence my inner cynic. When Janeway ‘The Good Shepherd’ takes the three ‘lost lambs’ on a mission to try and bring them back up to Starfleet standard (which invariably goes wrong), things didn’t quite go as I expected. Okay, yes there’s a little alien threat that they have to work together to beat, and yes everyone of them learns from the experience to be more than they were. However, all three of Telfer, Celes and Harren are really interesting characters, and I’d love them to stick around as secondaries (like Vorik or Suder have been), given they add some much needed fresh dynamic to the show. However, I suspect we won’t ever see them again, which is frustrating, as I actually found, against my initial judgement, that I rather enjoyed this episode. A real refreshing change after the recent run of lame stories, with some much needed mixing in of new ‘hero’ characters on the ship.

Oh, one final note. Must Janeway be right every time? It gets real old, real quick. Maybe the aliens were the bad guys after all…

Most typically Voyager moment: On a ship of ~140 people…how has it taken 6 years for anyone to notice these three crew are borderline useless? It’s almost like the 1st Officer has been neglecting his annual crew evaluations (highly likely) or that all the section heads have just been covering it up (probable for Harry at least).

Live Fast and Prosper

Stap me vitals – after a run of terrible shows, we’ve just had a half decent episode, and then we get an utter stonker of a story! I nearly fainted from the shock. Live Fast and Prosper tells the tale of three Voyager impersonators (including a ‘Lt Tuvok’ who gets a bit too method in his acting) who pose as Starfleet officers in order to con other spacefarers out of their goods in order to ‘join the Federation’. Naturally, the real Starfleet crew eventually discover that someone is blackening their good names when they start getting complaints from some of the scammed aliens. Although, it turns out, Tom and Neelix were also scammed by the same aliens weeks ago. They managed to buy some dodgy malfunctioning tech for the galley, whilst having the Delta Flyer’s databases illegally copied into the bargain.

There’s some excellent guest performances from the fake Voyager crew, who really sell the whole act pretty well.  The ersatz Captain and crew even have hilariously poor fanboi quality Starfleet uniforms, although they got the ears and hair right. Fake Tacotray’s tattoo got a bit carried away, mind you. Naturally, the only way to win the day is for the real Janeway to pull off a massive deception of her own, involving the Doctor in drag, Tom Paris in a tube and Mr Neelix getting clobbered from behind. That last one’s a bit unfair!

It’s the Pasadena Star Trek Convention. all over again…

The B-plot is Tom and Neelix, upon learning they’ve been scammed, trying to prove they’ve ‘still got it’ in terms of chicanery and slight of hand. Although, their efforts to scam the Doctor fall rather afoul of his ‘enhanced optical subroutines’. Nice to see the two old rogues getting the chance to be a bit more rogish again, without anyone suffering massive amounts of angst or getting demoted. This whole episode is a joy to watch, and the final scene especially left me with a big grin on my face. It was the perfect sign off to a heist story. Wonderful to know the Voyager cast CAN still pull off a cracker, if they’re given much better quality material than they usually get to work with!

Most typically Voyager moment: If there was one, I didn’t spot it. This was a story that felt more like a well polished DS9 episode. And as a bonus 7 barely gets a line! More like this please!


This may be the most meta-textural episode of Voyager yet! After another shuttle crash (hey, it’s been a few episodes since they used this overtired trope) Torres has to collaborate with a pre-warp civilizations playwright to tell the tales of Voyager. Interestingly, the playwright is so poor he has to nick all his ideas out of the vessel’s memory banks, and latterly Torres herself. If this episode isn’t a metaphor for how Voyager’s screenwriters are struggling for ideas, I don’t know what is. Moreover, there’s lots (and lots) of talk about how stories are constructed, the tricks writers employ, the structure etc., within the episode’s narrative. So yeah, it appears the screenwriter is writing about his writing craft through the medium of the playwright’s voice. Hence, it comes across a bit like a first year film student attending screenwriting 101, while trying to be clever and witty, and failing on both counts. As a result the story itself is nothing much to write home about (hah!).

Oh no! It’s TNG: Masks all over again! The horror!! The horror!!!

That said, it’s by no means a terrible episode, but nor is it a great one. Indeed, given nothing which happens during this adventure will ever get mentioned again, means skipping this one would result in you missing nothing of value.  Oh, and Harry Kim walked 200 miles during this episode, yet his uniform was still near immaculate (his hair is mildly ruffled though). Guess he doesn’t sweat then?

Most typically Voyager moment: After affecting the culture and development of the planet through the inspiration stemming from the play, Torres beams out in full view of a few hundred people. Hello, major Prime Directive violation! Anyone? No, that’s right, why worry about utterly disrupting yet another civilisation’s natural development. Not like it’s the Federation’s foundations or anything…


This episode opens with Janeway and Tuvok sharing a rather nice little scene concerning his ‘dark’ secrets. But it’s all misdirection, because, that’s right…the Ocampan bitch is back! Yes, Kes returns and she’s mega-grumpy at being cut in favour of bringing 7 of 9 on the show, and uses her super-psychic powers to kill Torres, nick warp energy and then jump back in time to the 1st Season and try and change history. Turns out she’s pissed off at Janeway and co for encouraging her to develop her power and thinks she’d have been better off never leaving Ocampa in the first place. Ah, the regrets of your teenage years eh? You know what Kes, I agree with your beef: I too wish you’d never joined the crew, you annoying elf-pixie thing.

Kes’ failure to maintain her beauty regime, results in catastrophic structural issues

Actually, the episode’s not too terrible, and makes the most of an intriguing time-travel premise, even if the explanation of ‘Oh, Kes now has time travel powers’ when she’d really only had telekinesis before is lacking in the extreme. Can we all just hug a warp-reactor and travel in time?! For a one-shot return of an old character, it not only gives Kes a chance to be centrestage once more, but also for all the crew to pretend to be six years younger. This is easier for some than others. For Janeway it’s accomplished with the return of the S1-bun hair do, Tom Paris gets a haircut, and for Neelix it’s achieved by acting like an annoying tit with not an ounce of self awareness or visible character growth. Actually, scratch that, this IS how he’s still being written, at least 50% of the time. Sigh.

Surprisingly Naomi Wildman’s mum, having been absent onscreen for about three years (unlike her sodding progeny) plays a key role in this episode in helping Janeway unravel the time-disruption plot. Welcome back Ens Wildman, now can you just confine your sprog to her quarters for the rest of the journey home so we don’t have to put up with episodes she features in?

Anyway, thanks to disruptions in the timeline, and Tuvok having a nervous breakdown when the revised-past crew get to the present day and Kes’ explosive arrival, Janeway is ready for her: with a prerecorded message from her sweet, innocent self. It’s all a bit Deus ex machina, but at least at the end Kes leaves, hopefully this time never to darken our turbolifts again. Just a shame she didn’t take the Borg Children with her. This may, for me, be the most engaging Kes-centred episode there’s been. Clearly we needed the character to be written with a bit more edge, rather than fawning over everyone in her sing-song accent!

Most typically Voyager moment: While I can accept Kes’ super-psi-powers let her leap across huge distances in space…how she found the Voyager in a vast, vast universe is never addressed. ‘Just because’ is hardly a satisfying answer. She’s not a Q!

Life Line

Any episode that opens with Reg Barclay talking to the Doctor’s creator, Dr Zimmerman, has huge comedy potential! Turns out this episode not only features the Doctor being ’emailed’ back to the Alpha Quadrant to help his ailing creator, but was co-written by Bob Picardo himself – apparently the only Voyager episode where a cast member does this! Naturally, where there’s Lt Barclay, there’s also a swift and very welcome appearance by Councillor Troi, reminding us of the better days of Trek. Thankfully this tale IS a better day of Trek, with some genuine philosophical questions being asked about the nature and value of holographic life, and some great performances all round.

That said, there’s some pretty horrific revelations too, as all the Mk1 EMH’s have been decommissioned as medics and assigned to scrub plasma conduits. Pretty damn brutal for a Federation which seeks to cherish ‘new life forms and new civilisations’, but embraces slavery of non-organic life. Cf. TNG:Measure of a Man for a similarly disturbing example of Federation brutality. I’m beginning to think the Romulans have had a point all along!

Smile and say ‘cheesy’

Bob Picardo’s dual roles as the cantankerous Zimmerman and the helpful Doctor are beautifully contrasted, and this is a solid and enjoyable tale. Interestingly the Doctor mentions he’s been away from Voyager (due to the irregular inter-quadrant email he’s been transmitted on) for over three weeks: does this mean next episode the Voyager will have no Doctor to help them? Can Tom Paris and a tube of germolene really stand up to the very worst the Delta Quadrant has to offer? Tune in to find out, next week!

Most typically Voyager moment: A brief mid episode scene between Janeway and Tacotray where they admit nothing much is happening back on the ol’ Voyager homestead. Nothing? NOTHING? The Delta Quadrant has gotten suspiciously quiet if you ask me. What’s next. tales around the campfire and a mug of warm cocoa? Oh and Tom, pack that germolene away again would you, there’s a good ensign.

The Haunting of Deck Twelve

The good news: As the ship is forced to drop into a spooky darkness, Ethan Philips puts in a nuanced performance; telling a tale about a space entity which escaped from a nebula and is now haunting Deck Twelve of Voyager. The bad news: he’s telling it to those damned Borg children, and probably Naomi Wildman[3]. Essentially the space entity takes over the Voyager and plays havoc with the ship (and gives Majel Barrett the chance to play the bad guy), until Janeway dumps it into another nebula. Turns out it was ‘stored’ on Deck Twelve. There is an effort at a PG ‘haunted house’ vibe throughout – albeit nothing like as bad (or as enjoyable) as Event Horizon (shame!). Do the kids believe Neelix? Do they fu…actually, no, they don’t, but the sting in the tale…it was true after all! Poor old Neelix, everyone thinks he’s a bullshitter it seems, even though that one about the pixie girlfriend was actually true! But all the same, it’s pretty much a ‘meh’ story, which you can happily skip without missing out on anything you’re not seen a thousand times before.

‘Gather around the ol’space camp fire younglings, and let me tell you a tale’

Most typically Voyager moment: Yes, the Doctor, despite having been away for three weeks in the prior episode, is here throughout. They should really have set this one during his absence for even a hint of narrative continuity!

Unimatrix Zero, Part I

Just what we need for a rip-roaring season climax, yes it’s the return of the once Uber Trek foe, the Borg. Having been thoroughly nerfed in earlier Voyager episodes, this time they’re all buggering off to Silicon Heaven. Well, if it’s good enough for all the calculators, it’s gotta be good enough for 7 and her chums. Yes, it seems like some of the Borg while they’re in their napping vestibules are floating off to a virtual environment that’s way better than life as a drone[4]. And it turns out one of them has had the most drippy romantic relationship with 7 in the past, which somehow she’s utterly forgotten. Man, that’s gotta be a right slap into the ocular implant for that fella! Oh, and remember back in TOS when they used to smear vaseline across the lens every time a pretty lady came aboard the Enterprise? Well, that’s pretty much what the bucolic, agrarian fantasy of Unimatrix Zero looks like too.

Bugger. It’s jammed again! WD40 anyone?

The Ersatz-Borg Queen is back, and still not played by Alice Krige. She’s not keen on Unimatrix Zero, mainly ‘cos it means her Borgy children are skipping away from that central hive-mind mentality by which she puts so much store. I would love to report that an episode about the Borg, sans the horrific Borg children, was one that left me all a tingle, especially at the climax when (shock!) Janeway, Torres and Tuvok get assimilated. You thought it was traumatic when Picard get Borged up, well I guess we ain’t seen anything yet. Although, my gut tells me Janeway’s Borgification will get hand waved away next season!

Most typically Voyager moment: Tom Paris gets promoted back to Lt and is Harry Kim bitter? Yes, yes he is, as he even vocalises his disgust at Tom jumping up the ranks when he’s had nothing (not even dinner with the captain) in six years. Doubtless, next season Tom will get demoted/promoted again, and still Harry’s career goes nowhere. Man, he really needs to get back to Earth.

Well, that took a lot longer to get through than I planned. Hopefully I can zip through the final season in a matter of weeks. Even faster if they kill off Naomi and the Borg Children (and perhaps cripple Tacotray ala Capt Pike) quick off the bat. What delights lie ahead? I dread to think, but going on the sporadically terrible/awful nature of the latter half of Season Six, I’m not going to hold out much hope of being wowed! But onwards, I must go!

[1] That’s a bit like the time I rated all my friends…wonder why they all stopped talking to me?
[2] A remake of a remake. Man, this one’s going to be fresh and original, isn’t it?!
[3] I say probably, because I’ve had a perception filter installed, and I now can’t physically see her on screen any more. This is to prevent my constant retching everytime she appears.
[4] I make no apologies for the direct Red Dwarf references once more!

Aggravated Maxwell

After months (and months) playing the Witcher 3, it was finally time to move on to my next game. I’d rather planned to head off for a nice refreshing FPS or more Stellaris[1], but sitting there in my Steam wishlist was Mad Max (2015). Having only this year finally watched Fury Road[2] when it popped up on Prime, I rather fancied playing this dystopian-chrometastic-drivathon, despite the middling reviews I’d seen of the game. For once, desire and Steam sales coincided and I was able to pick the game up for only a few quid. Was it worth it?

Ooooh, that’s gotta hurt

Yes, surprisingly it was. Okay, there are a few flaws. Firstly, things get a bit Assassin’s Creedy with the repeated ad-nauseam collection raids on numerous low level camps for scrap (the in-game currency). While it’s essential early in the game, towards the midpoint, once you’ve built up one or so of the strongholds to churn out scrap automatically, there’s diminishing returns in raiding them. Certainly by game over in the plotline I felt little desire to go back and clear the board with the remaining locations. The lack of effective jumping is also certainly a bizarre and infuriating design choice (maybe it’s hampered by Max’s leg brace). Finally, as is usual in these kind of ‘upgrade your gear’ games, you do eventually reach a point where you’re making pointless shedloads of money with nothing left to spend it on. Might have been nice to have some uber insanely powerful items priced accordingly stratospherically, to keep me playing or at least somewhere to dump that accumulating scrap

Oh and the two missions which require it to be night, with no mechanism to advance the time of day. Wow, words fail me at how annoying they are – an hour of game play just to tick over the time so I can do a 3 minute side mission? GAH!

That aside, the game was, on the whole, pretty damned satisfying. The graphical tone, gameplay and plot line are suitably Mad Maxian, in that they’re as crackers as a parrot on Tuesdays. The characters you meet are a blend of the grotesque (Chumbucket), horrific (Scabrous Scrotus) and yet resiliently noble (Hope and Max himself). Even the Magnum Opus, the car you take from wreck to warmachine, has bags of character. Given the amount of work and missions it takes to improve it, you really get a feeling of ownership and even pride in your creation. Okay, by the time everything’s Maxed out[3], you pretty much whack everything up to 11 and go for it, but earlier there’s some real decisions to be made balancing power, speed, maneuverability and defence.

Cheer up mate, it might never happen!

I was also delighted, after the Witcher 3’s 15 minute plus (!) cut scenes, that Mad Max’s cut scenes at best run 2-3 minutes and many much, much shorter. Gives you as a player a greater feeling of control and agency, rather than sitting back to watch an occasionally interactive film[4]. The story beats are almost perfect as rendition of the noble loner who’s trying to be the good guy, but mostly is almost as damaged a personality as the War Boys and the like he’s fighting. He’s just about on the side of the angels, but not by much. The closing act in particular is rather moving, with the ending leaving me with a big smug satisfied grin on my face – it was the ONLY way all this could end, and it felt right.

In between all this plot there’s lots of madcap driving and vehicle combat. I even prepared myself for a 5 hour drive last week by playing the game beforehand. Not sure Mrs Llama was too impressed by that, but if you’re going to have to cope with the M6, well, you need to be in the right headspace! Interpersonal combat’s pretty good too, as you develop skills and learn the right timing (ala Batman: Arkham City) Max starts to really kick ass in a naturalistic and well controlled way. Not to say some of the fights weren’t a challenge, cos they are, but generally, if you pay attention and keep your cool, you can sail through most of them. Nothing more frustrating though, when someone chins you from just off camera! As the Magnum Opus gets more powerful though, driving around goes from being a tricky prospect with raiders everywhere, through to more of a power trip as you boomzooka away other cars!

mad max trailer
Look! Down there! I think I spotted an ant.

So, as Mad Mad drives off into the Plains of Silence, and I move on to my next game[5] I feel my experience and time spend with the game were well spent. If anything (don’t tell the Wife or George Miller) I enjoyed the game more than Fury Road! That said, watching Fury Road just before playing it, helped ease me into the spirit of Max’s wasteland life.

Sadly though, no option to stick a garden fork across his mouth.

[1] At which I still suck
[2] My review “CHROMEY!”, Mrs Llama’s “That was awful”
[3] Sorry. Not sorry.
[4] Sorry Witcher 3, I love you dearly, but by the end of Blood and Wine I was fast-forwarding so many cut scenes…GET ON WITH IT!
[5] Black Mesa…man, this reminds me of something I’ve played before…

Through Struggle and Indifference – now available!

Yes, I’m delighted to announce that (with insufficient fanfare given how much blood, sweat and tea went into its creation) my thesis Through Struggle and Indifference: the UK academy’s engagement with the open intellectual commons. is now available online and open access.

Regular readers will note I’ve managed to hide no fewer than 2 jokes in its pages – albeit minor ones.  And that’s not including the doubtless myriad of typos that are still in there too.

Guess this means I need to revise the other pages of this blog now to bring them up to date too.  Now, I just need to either re-write the whole damned thing into a book – or start writing some papers from it…the labour never ceases!

The Great Star Trek: Voyager Rewatch: Season 6 (part 1)

What came before: Season 1 | 2A/2B | 3A/3B | 4A/4B | 5A/5B 

Can it be, that I’m only two (longish) seasons away from finally having viewed the only Trek I’ve never watched in its entirety?  Yes, yes I am, 120 episodes down and 35,000ly to go!  I have survived the Vidiian and Kazon years.  I’ve moved beyond Kes’ turgid tales. I’ve had my interest (mildly) piqued by the arrival of the Borg, and then crushed as they get nerfed beyond all recognition.  I’ve enjoyed the courtship of Tom and B’Elanna, been surprised by warming to Harry Kim and frustrated by the uneven handling of Neelix.  Come on!  Is he a genuinely happy go-lucky can-do outer space twonk, or a deeply damaged veteran covering a fragile psyche with a facade of joy?  Pick one, showrunners, don’t flaming alternate between them as suits the plot.

I am, however, still suffering through the Cousin Oliver experience filtered through the Wesley Crusher-like horror that is Naomi ‘I’m the Captain’s Assistant’ Wildman.  I sense there will be much more of her to come in the remaining 52 episodes.  Oh Great Maker, I’ve just noticed Fair Haven’s coming up soon…Voyager’s Up the Long Ladder!

Equinox, Part II

With the Doctor replaced on Voyager with Equinox’s ethically subverted EMH, and 7 also aboard the rogue Federation ship, things don’t look too great for Janeway’s crew.  By and large this episode is rarely, for a Trek two parter, the better half of the story.  We get to witness ‘our’ Doctor turned unethical to extract command codes from 7.  We see Janeway impersonating Captain Ahab, in her pursuit of the great, white Captain Ransom (Moby Dick always being a touchstone for Trek).  As a result we also see Tacotray display a set of balls, when Janeway starts breaching her own ethical code to get information from a captured Equinox crewmember.  We also get some real insight into the sadness and loneliness of command for Ransom, who delves deeper and deeper into his own personal holodeck fantasy.  There’s a moment at the climax of the episode where, knowing his life is done, that Ransome drops into his own personal heaven, just before he’s literally kicked out of existence with a boom.

Beyond the obvious sexy-times reasons, there’s no explanation for why 7’s in Ransom’s holo-fantasy

It’s clear here we’re finally exploring some deeper and more complex relationships between Starfleet officers, and while the whole floaty dimensional alien threat is pretty poorly CGIed, that doesn’t dismiss that this is a rather more adult an adventure than we normally get with Voyager.  The shades of grey are so thick you can cut them with a knife, which probably explains why the comedy stylings of Neelix or Paris are pretty much totally absent.  A special tip of the hat goes to the Doctor and 7, as once again the most interesting and well-acted pairing on the ship as the mentor turns sadistic inquisitor…and the regrets that come once his ethical subroutines have been restored.  Yes, this is an episode where the black and white Star Trek reductionism is for once shuffled off stage (I know, on DS9 everything was shades of grey) and the show is simply much, much better for it.  More engaging, more exciting, and moreover more authentic feeling.

That said, we do, however, have to suffer through another public domain duet.  Ah well, you can’t have everything.  Now, if the rest of the season can be this multi-layered and compelling, S6 is going to be a belter.  But I suspect, going on past experiences, there’s going to be a fair few narrative barrels left to be scraped yet.

Survival Instinct

I’ve decided this season to track how many times Voyager’s inciting incident is a shuttle crash, because by now it’s become a lazy, repetitive trope.  It also seemingly suggests that 24th century shuttle travel is possibly the most dangerous means of transport available.  Although, this episode opens with a Borg shuttle crash (Crash #1), which I guess is a slight variant.  But lords-a-mercy, from this crash emerges 7 of 9, back in her assimilated days and some of her Borgy chums.  The Borg quintet are suddenly cut off from the Collective, in a manner somewhat at variance with how the Borg’s hive-mind connection has been portrayed previously (cf. TNG: I, Borg), but hey, let’s just roll with it.  Meanwhile in the present day, larks-a-plenty occur when Voyager is docked to essentially the Trek version of Babylon 5 (the Markonian Outpost), meaning aliens of every size, shape and colour (within the episode’s budget) are wandering around the decks.  Before you get too excited about dealing with all these species, turns out this is just a route to getting the three remaining ex-Borg(1*) from the earlier crash aboard Voyager to stalk 7 for initially unknown reasons.

“Inform Captain Archer I didn’t die at the Vulcan Embassy, after all”

Eventually after a nanoprobe assault on 7, Janeway and crew discover the shared history of these ex-drones (the names are a dead giveaway), although 7 can’t quite place exactly what happened.  Sadly, Tacotray’s medicine bundle is offline, and so the crew have to fallback on plain, old science to probe their memories.  Turns out the ex-drones started re-asserting their individuality after the crash, but square old 7 of 9 reassimilated them to the Borg, against their free will.  Years later they somehow (and this is really glossed over and poorly explained) escaped the Collective once again, ripped their implants out and fled a looooong way from Borg space.  However, the three of them are still linked in a mental triad and their shared thoughts have driven them all half-potty.  The Doctor, ignoring his hippocratic oath (!) offers to sever the connection, albeit at the cost of their lives: live one month as an individual, or a lifetime as part of the triad.  Now, I’m not saying this is a bad episode, there’s some solid performances from the drones and given it paints 7 of 9 not in the greatest of lights, something her character desperately needs, it makes for a nice change of pace.  However, it’s a bit of a downer ending as the three ex-drones slink off to slowly die, including one who stays aboard Voyager, who you know, we’ll never see again or even witness their unpleasant death.  Which all means, the ending falls a bit flat.

Barge of the Dead

You know what everyone was crying out for? Yet another Klingon episode dealing with their mystical side, and featuring 7 and the Doctor’s close harmony on a drinking song.  No, wait, what we needed was B’Elanna having a shuttle crash into the ship (Crash #2), and experiencing part hallucination, part mystical afterlife experience of the titular Klingon Barge of the Dead.  Aboard this grim vessel is her mother, suffering for the sins of the child.  Funny, I thought the Klingons were all about the Sins of the Father…but narrative consistency has rarely been Star Trek’s thing, has it!  A third of the way into the episode B’Elanna wakes up in sickbay, to discover the preceding 15 minutes since the shuttle crash has taken place inside her head.  Or have they?

“By Grabthar’s Hammer, your mother will be avenged!”

Having previously demonstrated precisely zero interest in Klingon mysticism and spirituality, and being a creature of science, Torres makes a series of wild deductive leaps concluding that (a) mother is dead (b) her experiences on the Barge were ‘real’ and (c) if she doesn’t atone for her sins of not going to Klingon Church on S’Undach, mummy dearest will suffer in Gre’thor for all time.  Okay, that sounds like some sane, sober and entirely rational logic there, Ms Chief-Engineer.  As normal, the second anyone suffers a spiritual crisis, Tactray turns up and promptly tells her it was all psychosomatic.  Wait?  Mr ‘Voices of My Ancestors‘ and ‘Have you seen the Size of my Medicine Bundle‘ has suddenly gone all rational? Native American spirituality’s ‘real’, but Klingon religion’s a load of hooey?  Nice even handed characterisation there scriptwriters, if Tacotray hasn’t got his mystical subplots, he’s got nothing!  Additionally, did nobody think to check in with Mr ‘Death is Nothingness‘ Neelix at any point?  He’s got previous with the old afterlife (as, I recall, has Janeway).

Anyway, B’Elanna petitions the captain to let her undergo a ‘death’ in sickbay, so she can go rescue her mother.  At no point in the dialogue does anyone call out that Torres is clearly suffering a mental breakdown, displaying all the classic post-injury symptomology: sudden mania, irrational decision making etc.  But rather than entertaining the (likely) possibility of this, they agree to bypass the Doctor’s ethical subroutines (2*) and recreate the hypoxia and trauma of the crash.  B’Elanna transfers back to the Barge/suffers a neurological hallucination (take your pick) and after some Klingon mumbojumbo, agrees to be a proper Klingon from now on, and mummy goes off to be happy.  I’d die laughing if, when on returning to the Alpha Quadrant, Torres discovers that her mum is still alive.  Ha! Try explaining to the crew how they compromised their ethics, just to let you take a sanctioned medical voyage to tripout-city! So, have we learned more about Torres?  Possibly.  Will we see her new, zealotic zest for Klingon spirituality in later episodes? Going on past narrative experiences with Voyager, it’s a safe bet it’ll never be mentioned again.  At least until (spoiler alert) she tells Tom she’s going to raise their baby ‘Klingon Orthodox’.

Tinker, Tenor, Doctor, Spy

Having had his subroutines messed around with for three straight episodes, the Doctor unsurprisingly develops a rich, delusional private fantasy life wherein he’s the hero of the ship.  Actually, this isn’t too far from the truth, as the Doctor IS the best character on the show, so I wonder if this is actually some sort of meta-commentary by episode writers Joe Menosky and Bill Valleyly.  After a nauseating/hilarious (opinions will differ) combined operatic performance and medical treatment of Tuvok in his fantasies, in the real world he petitions Janeway to develop the Emergency Command Hologram (ECH).  Burned after agreeing last episode to B’Elanna’s batshit-crazy request, she turns him down.  Meanwhile, chubby aliens of the week (the Hierarchy) are spying on Voyager…via the Doctor, which means the information they’re working from is ever so slightly filtered through his fantasies.

Ahoy, discount Sontarans!

The Doctor’s daydreams soon run away with him (a bit like that late season episode of TNG where Data discovers he can dream), and he has to be reprogrammed.  But not until we’ve seen his fantasies laid bare on the holodeck.  And I do mean bear, with respect to 7 of 9!  All is well until the one of the Hierarchy contacts the Doctor to warn him of their imminent attack.  Hence, hilarity and drama ensues as the Doctor has to bluff his way through a confrontation with the aliens, which he does with great success.  Leaving 7 to give him a peck on the cheek, and an admonishment that she will NOT be posing for him.  Great exit line, enjoyable if disposable episode.


I think I prefered this one when it was called Stephen King’s Christine.  At a deep space junkyard (hey, there’s a name for a new show) Tom Paris buys a new shuttlecraft to tinker with.  He calls it Alice, after the girl that got away, but pretty soon it’s clear the neural-interface it comes equipped with means he’s seeing the ship’s personality as a lovely lady.  Naturally she wants him all to herself, and tries to kill Torres in a fit of jealousy.  Tom saves her, but he’s still under Alice’s spell, and flees the Voyager to fuse as man and machine.  How Borg of him.  For once the episode ENDS with a shuttle crash, as Alice crashes into her own particle fountain, but not before Tom can be whisked to safety.  It’s not a terrible episode, but then again aside from a bit of Tom and B’Elanna romance subplot, it’s never going to be referenced again.

Tom Paris: Low Tech Borg


This was possibly the best episode of Voyager I’ve seen in a long time, genuinely emotionally affecting with excellent acting turns from both Ethan Phillips and Tim Russ.   Once again some of the crew are off in a shuttle. “Aha“, I thought, “Tuvok and Neelix are going to crash any minute…”  Nope, turns out an invisible alien blasts Tuvok and puts him into a coma, a coma from which the Doctor cannot awaken him, but Neelix’s incessant, annoying interference can.  But the Tuvok who awakens is brain damaged, and while he regains his sanity, he has lost his logic.  Tuvok morns for his loss, and his old interests no longer engage him – hell, even Harry Kim can beat him at Kal-toh now, so you know things are bad!  It takes a brief conversation for Neelix with 7 to reawaken in the caring Talaxian that the possibilities for Tuvok might not be as grim as they first appeared.

Seven “When I was separated from the Collective, I too was damaged. I was no longer connected to the hive mind; I lost many abilities that I had acquired as a drone. But I adapted.
Neelix “Because Captain Janeway didn’t give up on you. She kept trying to help you.
Seven “But not by restoring me to what I’d been; by helping me discover what I could become.

Tuvok’s Vulcan-hay fever proved to an unfortunately unknown quantity

A new Tuvok emerges, a man who loves cooking and smiling, and who genuinely and warmly reciprocates on the friendship that Neelix has long offered.  There are certainly resonances with the earlier Tuvix, wherein the Vulcan and Talaxian were fused, albeit without direct reference(3*).  Yet, this is where this deep friendship began.  In a better and more continuity rich show, the linkage and character development between these two would have been more evenly handled.  Yet, even in Voyager, this episode builds on some of the rich background that DOES exist between these characters, but is seldom deployed in its episodic narrative.  Okay, the Doctor does find a magic wand to ‘fix’ Tuvok, but as with Tuvix, there is an unwillingness for the man he has become to ‘die’ to return to the Vulcan he was.  And at the end, a slight acknowledgement that not all is lost in the miasma of logic and discipline once more.  Yes, this is another episode that reminds me that with better writing, Ethan Phillip’s Neelix could have been the most complex and probable breakout character of the show.  Next week he’ll be back to being an annoying tit again, like Tuvok’s new personality, the flowering of this more engaging characterisation is all too brief.

Dragon’s Teeth

Aka ‘Voyager wakes up the space nazis, whoops’.  After a brush with a super-space vortex full of space crap, and some grumpy aliens (the Turei), Voyager cuts out the middleman of shuttle crashes and lands itself on a devastated world.  Here, it turns out a civilisation called the Vaadwaur lie in cryogenic slumber.  Thanks to old 7 of 9, for whom Starfleet protocols are still just suggestion, the civilisation starts waking up and working with the Voyager crew.  Janeway is a bit miffed, but given the Turei keep trying to bomb them from orbit, throws in with the apparently maligned sleepers.  Yeah, you could spot the twist from a mile off in this one, long before the omniscient combination of Borg databases and Talaxian folklore (WTF?) reveals that the Vaadwaur were the bad guys, and this world was their last stand.  Now they’re up and running again, they quite fancy borrowing (indefinitely) the Voyager to return to their space conquering ways.

Vaadwaur tonsilitus is MURDERously painful

A bit of an old skirmish commences, with Voyager, having landed, struggling to get back into orbit.  Hey, maybe that’s why the shuttles are useful!  Janeway, with the help of the one Vaadwaur good guy, jam the Vaadwaur defences and allow the slowly gathering Turei armada to rain down phaser fire.  Despite this, some 53 Vaadwaur ships get away, and as Janeway sternly says to 7 “We haven’t seen the last of them“.  Except this being Voyager, of course we bloody have.  Not like they’re the Borg!

Janeway’s blastard favouritism of the ex-Borg comes through again, as given her actions reawoke and ancient danger totally against orders – 7 gets a simple slap on the wrist.  If she’d been Tom Paris, she’d be in the brig and demoted to kitchen assistant.  One rule for some, another for 7 of 9.

One Small Step

Way back in the early 21st an astronaut orbiting Mars is gobbled up by a funny glowing space lozenge (I think it’s a giant Locket).  Cut to the 24th Century and Voyager comes across the same anomaly, and sends the reliable Delta Flyer in to investigate.  It gets sorta stuck, and Tacotray get’s mortally wounded, or a slip disc (the show’s not clear) and spends most of the episode on his back looking mournful.  7 (who else) has to raid the 21st Century ship for the parts they need to repair the flyer (because as we know, the 16th Century hay-waggon has parts that can fix my car), and listens to the dying log of the NASA astronaut.  A bit like TNG: The Royale, only nowhere near as much fun, or maybe DS9: The Sound of Her Voice.  Also, a large chunk (at least 10 minutes) is just the guest actor wittering on as Tacotray and 7 listen and look serious.  Epoch making, attention grabbing great TV it is not.

A game of “What time is it Mr Wolf” gets out of hand on Voyager

To add insult to injury, having recovered the astronaut’s body from the anomaly, Janeway fires it off into space in a funeral. Charming!  Didn’t even replicate a set of bagpipes for the Doctor to play.

The Voyager Conspiracy

Aka “That one that’s a bit like Worst Case Scenario“.  Except this time 7 of 9’s added some new processing power means she starts drawing lots of conclusions from multiple sources.  Gosh, it’s just like my research, except with 7 it’s got more Photonic Fleas.  Naturally, slowly turns into the Daily Mail and starts seeing conspiracies at every turn.  First it’s Captain Janeway who’s behind stranding the Voyager deliberately in the Delta Quadrant.  Then it’s all about Tacotray.  She even manages to make Tacotray and Janeway distrust each other, when realistically the first thing they’d do is tell each other “7’s gone mad again“.  I don’t really buy the sudden mistrust between the Captain and her first officer, after all this time.  Earlier in the show’s arc, yeah, but now.  Nah.  Eventually this turns into yet ANOTHER Janeway as 7’s Mum episode, and love saves the day. Blurgh.  Nice idea, but I could happily have skipped this one.

Janeway’s face sums up this one for me

Oh Naomi Wildman’s in this a bit, but let’s pretend she isn’t okay.  Also an alien with a Gravity Catapult or something, that hurls them “30 sectors” (what, we’re not using light years now?) nearer home.


Whisper it: This is a genuinely funny, affecting and enjoyable episode of Voyager!  And all they had to do to achieve this miracle, was bring in two TNG favourites in the shape of Lt Reg Barclay and Councillor Deanna Troi.  The framing story is Barcley, now working at Starfleet Command is falling back into obsession, this time partly with contacting the Voyager but also with interacting with a simulation of their crew.  Honestly, Reg, did TNG:Hollow Pursuits not end with you getting over holo-addiction?  Essentially, this is a TNG episode with the real Voyager crew only appearing briefly towards the end.  Reg’s trials and tribulations to convince Starfleet that his wacked out engineering ideas, despite his odd lifestyle choices, are actually works of genius makes a strong and compelling narrative.  We even finally get to meet the real Admiral Paris face-to-face too, which leads to a wonderful character moment for Tom.

Maybe they’ll tell Voyager the uniforms got updated too?

Dwight Schultz and Marina Sirtis are just relaxed and confident in their guest performances, as you might expect given how long they’ve both played the roles.  It really shows that with polished actor performances and a solid script Voyager can make for compelling TV.  Honestly, I challenge any Trek fan to come away from this episode without a warm, satisfied glow!  However, it’s fair to say S6 is certainly making gems such as Pathfinder fewer and far between.  And after this highspot (both in terms of Voyager’s quest for home, and the show itself), we’re about to return to the race to the bottom…

Fair Haven

The Voyager crew go through another space storm and have to ride out the boredom in yet another ‘popular’ holodeck simulation: Sandrine’s and Mr Neelix’s holiday zones clearly have lost their lustre, and no-one but Tom, Harry and the Delany-sisters are keen on Captain Proton.  Hence, this time it’s the small Oirish (sic) town of Fair Haven where life and potatoes slow to a crawl, and it’s only enlivened by Janeway reprogramming one of the characters to be her sex-bot.  When she deleted his wife, increased his education and changed his personality I thought “Why doesn’t she just use a sex-toy, like the rest of the crew, eh?“.  Seriously, there’s some seriously poor ethical judgements here from Kathy, that if Harry Kim made them, everyone would be outraged.  That the Captain can reprogramme an artificially intelligent simulation (you know, like the one who works for her in Sick Bay) to match her own romantic expectations, once more we must question just HOW enlightened is Starfleet, really?

However, there are two far more important questions that must be addressed in this truly dreadful episode.  The first question is “Can Fair Haven be even worse than Once Upon a Time?“.  The second question is ‘Does this episode constitute as racist a interpretation of the Irish people as Up the Long Ladder?‘.  Tackling the latter one first, it is actually somehow even worse than Up the Long Ladder.  Sure, no friendly Colleen offers to wash someone’s feet, but every single Irish cliche you can imagine (and a few more besides) are on screen.  Not to mention, the crew all start talking in wildly terrible Oirish brogues too and affect cripplingly embarrassing stereotypical mannerisms.

‘Top o’the morning to you’ – No NO, just fucking NO!

It is bad.  Really, really bad.  Still not convinced?  Consider this: If Fair Haven was set in sub-saharan Africa, would it have been okay for the crew to black-up and do ‘African’ accents?  No, no it wouldn’t, and hence this episode is riven with poorly and deeply racially offensive Irish stereotypes.  As to the second question: No. This episode is shite, but Once Upon a Time remains an unadulterated considered a crime against humanity.

Blink of an Eye

Voyager gets stuck above a world trapped in some kind of temporal bubble, where an entire civilisation rises in a few days.  Naturally, trying to communicate with the accelerated race is more than a little problematic (not to mention a breach of the Prime Directive), as anyone going down would age years by the time they were beamed up again.  Thankfully though, we have the Doctor and his mobile emitter to voyage and explore this strange race.  Now, by this point, if you know your Trek like I do, you’ll be saying to yourself “Didn’t Kirk do this story already with a Sexy Lady?“.  Yes, yes he did in the bloody-hell-it’s-almost-the-same-name TOS: Wink of an Eye.  The story this time though isn’t about a dying race needed to breed with strong, healthy Earthmen, but rather the effect on a civilisation of having a Spaceship locked in perpetual low orbit above them.

How the hell does this planet not just tear itself apart?

Eventually, the race reaches for the stars (which oddly, despite the accelerated planet timeline aren’t whirling above them madly) and boards Voyager to make first contact.  Relative years later on the planet surface the aliens decide to start taking pot-shots at the ship, which means the crew must return the now time-lost astronauts and try and score a peace.  It’s not a terrible tale, although just like Blink of an Eye the whole super-advanced time-line aliens falls down when you think about it (by the time a week’s gone by, they should have advanced to the level of the Q I think).  On the other hand, it doesn’t mean a great deal to the overall voyage home.

Bonus marks for having the marvelous B5:CrusadeLost and Hawaii 5-0 future-alumnus Daniel Dae Kim playing the astronaut who finally makes first contact!


Ah, another chance for the Doctor to sing his way(4*) through songs that exist only in the public domain, to avoid paying any royalty rights.  Snarking aside, this is a belter of a comedy episode as the Voyager crew encounter a stuck up advanced race (the Qomar), who love mathematics but have never heard of music.  Once the Doctor accidentally serenades them, their whole race gradually falls head over heels in love with his performances.  Bob Picardo, as we’ve noted before, has a cracking voice, and coupled with his normal great comedy chops, this makes for an episode that actually had me laughing out loud in places for all the right reasons for once.  There’s a lovely double edged sword to this episode, since as the Doctor deals with his increasingly ardent fans we get some knowing nods towards the more rapid end of the ‘Pasadena Star Trek Convention‘ types from Janeway.

The updated Starfleet uniform specs got garbled in transmission it appears

Once again though we hit Voyager’s (and Star Trek) problem with rights and self-actualisation for artificial lifeforms(5*), as the Doctor decides to quit Starfleet to concentrate on his new found musical stardom.  Janeway is more than a little pissed off, far more than (as the Doctor points out) if ‘Harry Kim fell in love with an alien woman’.  Chance would be a fine thing eh Harry – a plotline AND a woman, no-way!  Unfortunately, the Doctor finds that hope copying is killing music (!) as the Qomar replicate an improved version of the Doctor and don’t need the original.  That’s right, Voyager is pro-copyright (shocker!).  Poor old Doctor, he’s suddenly the iPhone 6 in an iPhone 7 world.  Better not tell the Captain, or she’ll want to take the upgraded version along instead!  Poor sod, back to the Voyager he goes to eat crow and resume his duties, where the joy of one fan letter is worth far more than the adulations of thousands.

Whoo, half-way through a season with two cracking episodes (Riddles and Pathfinder), a monstrously awful one (Fair Haven) and two comedy-drama Doctor-centric episodes (VirtuosoTinker, Tenor, Doctor, Spy).  I guess it could be much, much worse…and those Borg children are just around the corner now.  Onwards we go!

1*: One of whom is played by Vaughn ‘Admiral Forrest from Enterprise’ Armstrong, who I kept waiting to tell Captain Archer to do something or mention the Vulcan High Command.
2*: Again!  They don’t say this, but given his performance in the past couple of episodes it’s the only conclusion I can reach that justifies his decisions.  Maybe they didn’t fix his programme that well when they got him back from the Equinox?
3*: On reflection I’d like to view this episode as a direct, thematic sequel to Tuvix, given it deals with the same two characters.  That gives it more of a DS9 kind of feel, which can only be a good thing.  Not quite Miles and Julian level friendship banter, but close.
4*: I’m not convinced it’s Bob Picardo singing all the time as his voice changes a bit in the live performances he gives on the Qomar homeworld
5*: I know we get back to this issue again in Author, Author in S7, where copyright absolutely does play a major narrative part.  No one tell them about that monkey who took a photo!

Submission & Viva

Submission (redux)

Yes, I know, shocking.  I’m writing about my PhD again, something I’ve not done for a long time.  Why?  Well, because essentially all of 2016 was writing, editing, revising, rewriting and then more editing.  Oh and panicking, there was a quite a bit of that when I realised I wasn’t going to make my official deadline (thanks to family deaths, illness, general life events etc).  Thankfully, and despite the usual scaling of Mount Administration, I got an extension through to Jan 2017.  I was ready to submit before Christmas, but gave myself the first couple of weeks of the new year for a final proof-read and tidy before submitting on 18th Jan 2017.


Setting the Date

I kinda expected the viva would take place within about three months post-submission, since THAT’s what the university’s own regulations stipulate.  And given I’ve had to keep to their administration rigid timetables myself, you’d expect the same to be true for their own efforts.

Yeah, I know.  Anyone who’s spoken to me or read my earlier posts, knows that my professional opinion of the university’s administration layer is low, and my personal one is probably not repeatable in public.  Hence, consider how much foul language I’ve used when finally I got the viva date set for 15th June 2017: 5 months post submission.  This really wasn’t ideally, especially for applying for jobs where having had the viva could have made all the difference between securing paid employment and not even getting an interview.  I really feel the university has damaged my potential future earnings and career by their poor speed of turnaround.  Glad I had the opportunity to feedback on this in the recent PGR student survey, but this couldn’t make the viva happen faster.


I’ve been trying (and failing) to read 10 pages a day of the thesis in the build up to the 15th June.  Certainly, once I hit May (the month, not the PM) I made a redoubled effort to try and get through the chapters again.  I’ve probably eventually re-read it about three times fully, with one final skim through in the last couple of pre-viva days.  It struck me as being not too bad at all, although I kept finding the odd niggling grammatical error.  I know far worse theses have passed muster, as I’ve flicked through them over the years, so I wasn’t letting this stress me out.  All the same it’s frustrating to realise that despite all the careful proofreading by me and Mrs Llama, these things still slipped through.

The Day Arrives

I was pretty calm, and relaxed about the approaching date, although my sleeping patterned had gone to hell.  I partially attribute that to the light June mornings – I do not do well here, and Mrs Llama insists on leaving the bedroom door open to let more light flood in.  Given a free hand for my own room arrangements, I’d be sleeping in a dark, dark hole all summer long!

2017-06-15 12.07.34
Campus was dead quiet

On the day, I packed some water, a hat and my thesis and headed off into campus bright and early.  I planned to hideout in the library for the morning, having a last skim of vital parts (research rationale, claim to knowledge, theory, results, conclusions).  The viva was set for a 13.15-13.30 kickoff, so I had some time to collect myself and my ragged thoughts.  The library was (mostly) nice and quiet, until 11am when schoolkids on an open day came tearing through excitedly looking for “The horror section”.  I think they were disappointed by what they found!  Meanwhile, I was struggling more and more to keep myself calm.  I indulged in a few BJ Blazkowicz-style breathing exercises, chatted to the Wife and tried to dissuade myself of the notion that the last page I just skipped over would be THE bit I should have read more closely.

2017-06-15 10.42.39
Trying to study. Trying not to panic.

Shortly afternoon me, and my rising nerves, headed over to see my supervisor for a chat and lunch.  Or in my case, some camomile tea – I do not like eating ahead of interviews or other stressful events as my stomach tends to throw a fit.  ‘Lunch’ was just what I needed, in that in our talk about future papers we’re aiming to write I was nicely distracted.  Then it was time to head to CELS101 (yes, Room 101, thank you NTU for that Orwellian additional fear factor!) and face my panel.  Well, it was time, but the Independent Chair was a very much ‘by the rules’ kinda guy, and hence I had a loooong wait (20 minutes, it SEEMED long) before I came in and things began.

Your Starter for 10

Superlab, 300412
I entered a boy, and left a man…possibly

The viva itself was actually as I had hoped.  A conversation between relative peers, focussed on my research, approaches, thoughts, conclusions etc.  I didn’t feel stressed, I was able to talk (mostly) clearly about what I’d done, why and how it was important.  All credit to the External and Internal Examiners for that.  There was a very interesting debate over my conceptualisation of activists and indeed my whole ethnographic-framing, and that was probably the nearest I came to having to make it a viva-defence.  Did my best to take their points on board, while at the same time making my own thinking and perceptions clear.  Eventually, we ran out of questions, followed by a chance for me to ask them if there was anything they should have asked.  Yeah, like I’m going to say “Hey, you should REALLY have asked about this bit, I didn’t know what the hell I was doing“.  I suggested they could have asked ‘What’s your perfect Sunday?’, but that was about it.  I was excused while the examiners took a comfort break and then deliberated their decision.  I glanced at my phone – the viva had only taken 65 minutes.

Congratulations, Dr Llama

I didn’t have long to wait.  2 minutes.  And was greeted by the Chair almost immediately saying “Congratulations, Dr Johnson, we’ve recommended that the thesis be passed with no corrections“.

Despite THIS moment being what I’ve been working towards, hoping for, for over 4 years…to finally hear it was beyond a shock to the system.  I remember muttering some thanks, shaking everyone’s hand and trying not to beam like a loony.  I kept thinking “No corrections…not even Mrs Llama’s PhD got passed with that!“.  No thesis is perfect, and there was a lot of really useful feedback and suggestions from the examiners on how to improve it for publication as a book, or preparing it for journal articles (I’m not quite sure which yet).  They also wanted to tweak a single word in the title to “Better represent the depth and breath of your research“…wow.

A New Dawn

Writing this two days later…I’m still not quite sure it all happened, there’s still that slight doubt that I dreamed it all and I’m still waiting for the viva.  But I’m not.  Sure, I need the official letter to arrive and there’s (hopefully) an amusing hat-wearing related ceremony to attend next month to get the certificate.  Nevertheless, to all intents and purposes I am now a Doctor.

There was time for a quick drink and a chat with the examiners and my supervisor, which was a great wind down.  Nevertheless, I was bursting to go home and see Mrs Llama to share the moment with her.  Needless to say, she was quite excited too and we went out to dinner to celebrate.

2017-06-15 19.23.23
Three kinds of dip.  My kind of dinner!

All that remains now, is I just need to find a paying job that’ll make all the struggle, effort and learning really feel like it was worthwhile!  Stay tuned for that one…

The Great Star Trek: Voyager Rewatch: Season 5 (part 2)

I’m finding S5 of Voyager to be a real curate’s egg.  There have been some god-damned fucking awful episodes (largly any featuring Tacotray and/or Naomi Wildman centrally), but also some bloody awesome ones (usually featuring Tom, Harry or the Doctor).  Will this wild sine-wave ride from the sublime to the Once Upon a Time continue? Let’s press onwards!


Despite an intriguing opening with an alien (Qatai) heading towards a mysterious cloud (the wonderful Trek alumnus W. Morgan Sheppard in yet another role), the episode proper commences with Naomi ‘Wesley’ Wildman and 7 of 9.  The pairing of these two predominantly in an episode has this season rapidly become the harbinger of incipient shite.  Thankfully half the episode is a normal 7 of 9 Story #3 (see footnote 3*. previous post), as the rest of the crew think they’re getting back to Earth through a wormhole.  Only Naomi (for whom Voyager is home), the Doctor (a programme) and 7 (who is wired differently in the head) are immune to the intense bliss that the giant space cloud we saw at the start sends out to attract its prey.  Part of me thought “Is this a remake of The Immunity Syndrome, from TOS?“, aka Spock vs the Giant Space Prawn.  It’s not, but there’s giant creature similarities – not to mention a bit of V’Ger vibe to the whole ‘swallowing the starship whole’.

“Say, do you know V’Ger?”

If at this point you are thinking that 7 and Naomi, along with the alien, Wesley it up a storm to save the day.  Well done, you can skip on.  Nothing in this episode will ever matter again, and you’ve just saved yourself the 43 minutes I had to endure.  Although the moment where we Neelix about to be fantasy gangbanged (1*) (or so I assumed) by a gaggle of Starfleet Admirals opens up more questions than it answers.  As per usual with ‘it was all a dream’ Inception style episodes, naturally their first escape from the creature’s maw is a fake-out, and we have to go through it all again before they decide that’s enough and head off.  The episode then ends, somewhat oddly, as it began with Qatai heading back into the creature’s maw…because…I dunno.  It’s not clear.  Maybe he was the creature.  Maybe his bliss is finding the creature.  Maybe everyone on Voyager is dead now and the rest of the series a dream?  I wish.

Dark Frontier

Hmn, Netflix (on which I’m watching Voyager) has this as the merged single part feature length episode, so I can’t easily review parts I and II, so I’ll have to judge it as a whole.  It opens strongly, with an attack of the Voyager entirely from the Borg’s perspective.  Rather a novel idea, and one I’m surprised it took this long to think of.  It is, rather good, especially when Janeway does the hardest assed thing I’ve ever seen her do – namely beam an armed photon-torpedo inside the Borg probeship.  Huzzah, the Borg are back and they’re even less able to cope with Janeway and her space-family!

‘Do you have any legs in my size?’

The rest of the story is 50% a rehash of Star Trek:First Contact (2*) as 7 of 9 is reclaimed by the Borg and their revitalised ersatz Queen (Alice Krige, was clearly too busy/expensive), and we get a similar tale to Data’s temptation to betray his loyalty to Starfleet.  The other 50% of the story is an expansion on 7 of 9 Story Archetype #1: Janeway as the surrogate mother competing with her adoptive mother, the Queen.  Here, for a change we see the secret origin of Anika Hanson, and her parents, exploring Borg space long before TNG encountered the cybernetic species.  Yeah, I know, this pisses all over the far superior TNG canon just to give 7 of 9 a credible rationale for being in the Delta Quadrant.

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Why didn’t anyone think to brief Picard on this threat?

Several late season Voyager tropes also rear their ugly heads in this tale.  Firstly, the Voyager adapts with no effort a transwarp core for the Delta Flyer.  Clearly, no one remembers earlier in the season when doing that for the Voyager killed everyone (except Harry and Tacotray).  The same technology now, not only allows the rescue of 7 from a Borg Unicomplex (of which, despite the name, there are more than one), but also zips the Voyager fully 20,000ly closer to home.  I make that almost halfway!  Another, trope is the continuing bowdlerisation of the Borg – oooooh what a threat…nah, Janeway can handle them with a souped-up shuttle.  And lastly, Naomi ‘Oh god why is she still alive’ Wildman plays a pivotal role…amplifying the mothers and daughters theme of the episode, as she clearly sees Janeway as granny, and 7 as her surrogate mother.  Despite Ens Samantha Wildman being still alive.  Inter-personal relationships in the 24th Century be all fucked up and shit, as I believe no one says.

How I wish this wasn’t a dream

Perhaps the biggest let down of what is an okay storyline, is the ending which manages to pretty much telegraph what happens in Endgame. Okay, maybe that’s the lazy writing by the end of the seventh season, but the trope of Borg vessels popping out of transwarp corridors and going kaboom…I suspect this isn’t the last we’ll see of them.

Borg: Some assembly required

Nor, the new Queen and her Borg…despite their space now being over 30,000ly behind (honestly, give it up and carry on assimilating the Delta Quadrant, why don’t you!).

The Disease

For at least the second time, a story opens with Harry Kim in bed with a sexy, sexy lady.  Man oh man, Libby is going to utterly dump him when the ship gets back to Earth.  Remember Libby?  Cos, by the looks of the beast with two-phaser banks that Harry keeps making with the hot alien chick, he’s utterly forgotten her.  Even better, in his post coital bliss Harry lets slip that a) He’s done things he never thought he’d do in bed (ew, fetch the brain bleach) and b) his alien squeeze’s race and humans look similar…but have genitals constructed on very different frameworks.  Yes folks, they’re dancing around the subject in the episode, but I’m calling it.  Harry shacked up with a Space-Chick with a Space-Dick…and liked it.  At least though, it gives Tom Paris the chance to run through the literary of bad women choices that Harry’s made, and when the resident bad boy of Starfleet is advising you on poor choices, you gotta know you’re doing something really wrong!

To go where no man, has gone before

Essentially, post-sex Harry and his alien lady-love are now bonded for life…bonded so much that Ens Kim literally glows afterwards.  Now THAT’s what I call sexing Harry, kudos!  Sadly, the Xenophobic alien species she belongs too is less than happy with the coupling, and neither is Janeway.  Since Harry has almost certainly caught astro-herpes or something, and there’s a regulations book ‘3 inches thick’ *ahem* about ‘close encounters of the lewd kind‘, Janeway understandably blows her stack.  Were we to replace Harry with Tom in this escapade, then he’d be back in the bridge and demoted to Mr Neelix’s potwasher.  But because Harry’s Janeway’s substitute son (sigh, there’s that family trope again) she just gives him a ticking off and sends him to bed without any replicator rations.  Come to think of it, are they still worrying about replicator rations, I forget, that ‘desperately short of supplies’ storyline rather faded away post-S2.

It all comes good in the end (snigger) aside from Harry who is separated from his woman and has to get over her without any medication (shades of Elaan of Troyius), the xenophobes – whose ship blows up.  Still, it could have been worse.  He could have caught electric-gonorrhea – the noisy killer!  It’s a daft, fun little episode, albeit one where once again Harry’s staring plotlines are reduced to ‘naive teenager‘.  I mean, he must be almost 30 by now, stop treating like he’s 15!

Course: Oblivion

AKA the most depressing episode of Voyager you’ll ever watch, given pretty much 98% of what transpires on screen will never be known about or remembered by anyone in the Star Trek universe.  It is the literal definition of pointlessness and utterly nihilistic when you start thinking about it.  This episode opens with Tom and B’Elanna marrying, giving almost no hint of the existential horror that is about to unfold(3*).  Thanks to a hitherto unheard of space drive (not that this is a shock on Voyager, continuity never getting in the way of a story idea), the crew are closer than ever to Earth, when oh noes, the ship starts to deform and people start getting sick.  Turns out none of the crew or the ship itself are the Voyager we know, they’re all the entities who were cloned and left behind on the Demon world a season or so ago.  Turns out the new space drive would been okay on the real ship, but their weirdy fluid forms are being destroyed by it.

Nah, it’s fine.  The Jefferies’ Tube has always looked like that, I’m sure.

The rest of the show turns into an examination of how the crew deal with almost certain death and crippling illness.  Watching Tom at his new bride’s death bed is heartbreaking, and lessened none the less by the reveal shortly afterwards that she wasn’t the ‘real’ Torres.  There’s a good argument in the show, that if it walks, talks and thinks like Tom, or Janeway or Harry…then it’s as indistinguishable from the ‘real’ crew members to actually be them.  Hence, as they one by one drop dead, it’s a shocker, even more so than the deaths in Year of Hell, since at least they get retconned away.  The closing moments of the show see Acting Captain Harry Kim desperately trying to launch a time-capsule detailing the lives and adventures of the USS Ersatz Voyager and reach the real Starfleet ship in time to get help.

Harry needs a new skin-regime

It all fails, and we have a minute or so of the real Janeway and crew coming across the remains of…something that might have been a ship, none the wiser and just moving on with their lives.  Everyone we’ve watched struggle and suffer for the past 40 minutes is dead, and none of their lives mattered one jot.  Not even fake Naomi Wildman.  *sob*  Yes, a depressing tale, but well acted by the cast.

The Fight

Oh, it’s a Tacotray centric episode, which means as it rapidly devolves into mystic symbolism, family history and metaphor I stifle the first of many yawns.  Voyager strays into ‘chaotic space’ and some of the aliens living/trapped there make contact by ‘rewiring Tacotray’s brain’ so they can communicate with him.  30 minutes later this is still going on as my finger hovers over ‘fast forward’.  I think I enjoyed this sort of distorted reality thanks to super-advanced aliens in Far Beyond the Stars, as it gave the whole cast something fun to act against, not just one cast member.  Although, Bob Picardo turns in his usual stellar performance as a boxing doctor.

Think he just messed his uniform

Fascinating fact: Starfleet Academy groundskeeper Boothby trained Tacotray to box.  Honestly, in between mentoring Janeway and Picard, and teaching young Tacotray the pugilistic arts – when did that man ever find time to mow the lawns?  Finally, this episode would have had more punch (see what I did there) had we EVER heard about Tacotray’s love of boxing before…rather than as per usual in Voyager’s lazy writing, another hitherto undiscussed personal interest.  Cf. Paris’ love for whichever historical period we’re visiting this week.

Think Tank

Nice cold opening on this one, as we witness a travelling intelligentsia cabal offering to save another species through their advanced knowledge…if only they’re prepared to pay the price.  Afterall, if salvation is a just one trade deal away, wouldn’t you be prepared to pay the price?  Unsurprisingly, this is the cleft stick situation Voyager soon finds itself in as the Hizari, a race of unstoppable bounty hunters, have been contracted by the Malon (hey, remember them!) to hunt the ship down.  Facing her own Kobayashi Maru, Janeway is rather surprised and only slightly suspicious when Kurros of the Think Tank approaches them to proffer a potential solution.  Turns out, they’ve solved a lot of unsolvable problems in the past, including curing the Vidiian phage (hey, remember that!).  The drawback, Kurros’ price includes 7 of 9 joining the Think Tank.

“Why yes, it does have recreational uses as well”

The second the unwinnable scenario arose and the clever thinkers just happened to be there to offer a solution, I thought ‘set up’.  And I was right.  Turns out it’s not the Malon but the Think Tankers who’ve set all this situation up.  Just like Harry Kim, they’re lusting to get their hands on 7 of 9’s ‘implants’ and advanced Borg knowledge.  Thankfully Janeway outflanks them, and leaves them to get basically murdered as the Voyager warps away.  Bad ass Janeway, way bad ass.

“So long, enjoy dying painfully…and WARP SPEED AWAY!”

I will say, Jason Alexander playing Kurros is wonderfully creepy and reasonable, all at the same time.  I much prefer the more subtly played villains in Trek, and while Think Tank’s a pretty much run of the mill ‘threat of the week’ episode, his performance helps make the whole thing a lot more memorable that the script deserves.  Well worth your time watching this one.  One final note, for some reason B’Elanna’s barely had a line the past couple of episodes – is Roxann Dawson busy doing something else right now?


With a title like this, I thought we were going to have Warhead II: The Rewarheadening of something.  Turns out the titular vessel is actually a stricken Malon freighter.  Yes, them again.  They’re slowly becoming the mid-seasons Kazon-alike go-to dull antagonists.  This time the silly polluting sods have a stricken super-tanker that’s going to go kablooey and devastate everything in 3ly.  Hells teeth, that’s a big explosion…also…I assume the detonation will be travelling at warp speed, otherwise it’ll take millennia to fan out that far.  Cue a gritty tale for resident gritty lass B’Elanna who’s not had a line or an episode in a devil’s age, and this one lets us remember how much her and Tom love each other.

Is it me, or did it just get hot in here?

Curiously it also gives Roxann Dawson a chance to strip down, and later strip off all together for a shower scene.  Not that I am in any way complaining about this.  The bulk of the episode is humanising the Malon. who we find out may be the galaxy’s greatest polluters, but they’re doing it so their home world can be a utopia.  There’s also a mutated monster (one of the crew) doing some lurking on the doomed vessel, just so we can see the extent of their sacrifice.  Something which is rather brutally rammed home at the end of the episode, when B’Elanna’s horrific radiation poisoning is cured with a quick injection, and her new-found Malon buddy is told ‘Sorry pal, you’re screwed’.  So much for Federation medicine then!

Are those warp nacelles?

The biggest question of the episode is never addressed.  How the hell are the Malon still a problem after we jumped 20,000ly in Dark Frontier (or about 20 years of travel time)? Are they pals with the Borg or something? Screw the environmentally themed buddy drama, grab their super-warp drives and get back to Earth pronto!

Someone to Watch Over Me

The tl;dr version “7 of 9 gets dating advice from the Doctor, with hilarious consequences“.  Which, after the grim Juggernaut is probably just as well, we could do with some light relief.  This might be a light and frothy reworking of Pygmalion, as the Doctor coaches 7 in the ways of romance, but both Ryan and Picardo put in splendid comedic performances.  Although, the bit where they duet together is borderline painfully cringeworthy.  Notably Picardo’s singing live, and Ryan only lipsynching, which is odd as we know from The Killing Game she can sing.  Eventually, and not too shockingly, the Doctor falls for 7’s charms, but she ends up friendzoning him.  Ah well, not all romcoms end up well.  Fun little tale really.

Make it stop! Sweet Jebus, make it stop!

Meanwhile Captain Janeway and Tuvok go off on an away mission, that’s off screen.  Tim and Kate clearly had a week’s holiday coming.  This leaves Neelix dealing with the one ultra-religious (and rule breaking) ambassador aboard Voyager to deal with.  More hilarious consequences ensue, capping off the lightest and most fun Voyager tale we’ve had in ages, with some genuine moments of character development.  More like this, and I’d start really liking this show!


AKA the secret origin of the Janeway family.  This episode epitomizes everything that frustrates me about Voyager.  Ostensibly it’s Janeway telling the tale of one of her most important ancestors, around the turn of the millennium (fully 7 months away at time of broadcast), who naturally happens to look like her.  It’s a somewhat The A Team kinda tale, as failed astronaut Shannon O’Donnel partners with local reclusive book shop owner Henry Janeway against the perfidious developers of something called The Millennium Gate.  This is apparently a significant historical construction in the Star Trek universe, as much as the Great Wall of China, despite no one ever mentioning it before or since on any show.  O’Donnel’s tale is rather turned on its head thanks to Neelix’s searching of and informing Janeway that her ancestor was far less important to space-exploration history and the construction of the Gate than she thought.  Which means, as we see in the past, the ‘evil’ developers are actually good guys trying to build something significant for all humanity.  Shame they’re all going to die in the Eugenics Wars shortly I guess.

Is someone playing Civ on the Voyager?

The tale, trite as it is, and reminiscent of Ent: Carpenter Street in tone, is rather spoiled by constant flashing back to the present on Voyager as everyone tells their tales of famous family members in a big old cosy gathering.  Guess Starfleet discipline’s finally fallen apart on Voyager…until next week.  What especially irritates is twofold.  Janeway’s tale is vaguely interesting, but it’s not really enough to support a whole episode.  And secondly, some of the tales the other crew tell of their ancestors sound much more engaging.  With the exception of Tacotray, who fails to bore everyone with another tale of his sodding ancestors. I ended up wishing the showrunners had gone for a Short Cuts/22 Short Tales About Springfield style melange episode, showing us vignettes from all of these ancestral stories.  This would have helped flesh out the crew’s humanity, not to mention giving every actor the fun of playing something slightly off-tangent.  Another real missed opportunity to give us more about the whole crew, at the expense of fleshing out more of Janeway’s tediously noble history.

Oh, two other irritations – one nerdy, one just pure Voyager.  Harry Kim talks of ‘sleeper ships’ in the early 2200s…which is totally contradicted by Enterprise’s adventures in the 2150s.  And Tom ‘History Professor’ Paris turns out to know everything about every single period in human history, again.  Remind me again, is he the bad boy pilot with the heart of gold, or the resident Data-substitute?  Sigh.


AKA: They Keep Killing 7 of 9, Don’t They?  Voyager once again takes inspiration from Red Dwarf, notably Stasis Leak, as 7 of 9 is recruited by Captain ‘Oh no, not him again’ Braxton from the 29th Century to go back in time to avert the destruction of Voyager from a hidden bomb.  Only, he’s already sent her back a few times, and she’s either died or failed each time.  This time he plucks her from her timeline moments before Voyager’s destruction (for the third time, from Braxton’s perspective), and returns her to just before Voyager is commissioned to find the mysterious device that will destroy the ship in around 5 years time(4*) during a Kazon attack (5*).  This means we get the fantastic shot of the Utopia Planitia space yards above Mars, where the Voyager is undergoing final construction.  For a lover of Star Fleet’s ships, this is a real nerd-porn moment!

Is that a Steamrunner class I espy down the lower right? SQUEEEE!

The episode cracks along at a good pace as 7 is flipped around the timeline until we find out the bad guy is…Captain Braxton himself, who suffered a mental breakdown in the future-future and caused all the problems his past self is trying to sort out.  Told you this was clearly riffing on Stasis Leak!  “I’m the Captain Braxton from the double-double future, and this is where everything starts to get a bit complicated“.   Seems Braxton remembered, and is still really mad about, everything that happened in Future’s End.  Ouch, and I thought they’d cured all mental illness forever back in the 23rd Century (cf. WTOS:Whom Gods Destroy)???

Totally cured!

In the end, as 7 has travelled in time too much (until, you know, next time we need a time-travel story) Janeway has to be sent back in time instead.  Yes, yet again it’s the 7 and Janeway save the day show.  Sigh.  Almost like the Picard and Data saviour duo in TNG.  All’s well in the end, and despite the slightly wibbly-wobbly nonsensical nature of most time-travel stories, it makes for a highly enjoyable tale.  Even if technically Harry Kim dies another three times in the episode!


All’s quiet on the bridge nightshift, which means it’s time for a Harry Kim centric adventure…or, is it?  No, it’s a story about an artificially intelligent weapon of mass destruction, that forms a close bond with one of the crew…not Harry, but the Doctor.  What an original idea…or rather it might have been if Voyager hadn’t already had Dreadnought back in S2.  This time though, rather than an exploration of B’elanna’s sin’s past, we find ourselves in the Doctor story archetype 101 as we ask ‘What does it mean to be sentient?‘.  Which means once again the ‘oh so enlightened’ Federation officers suddenly get cold feet when a genuine ‘new life’ appears before them.  Quoting from the Starfleet first contact protocols (as amended by Janeway):

First Contact Rule 17F: If the lifeform is not organic, then you are fully at liberty to consider it non-sentient, and therefore not covered under the Starfleet charter to seek out and cherish new life forms.  Feel morally enabled to explode, enslave or dismantle it to further your own goals.

Rule 17G: The same applies to any androgynous species Cmdr Riker might accidentally procreate with.

“If I said you had a beautiful plasma-conduit, would you hold it against me?”

Considering the next two episodes (no peeking ahead now) are all about the ethics of Starfleet vs enlightened pragmatic self-interest, this episode provides a very sharp, and critical, relief.  Anyway, quickly the story evolves into Doctor Story Archetype 102: Bob Picardo get’s to play eeeevil, as the missile holds Voyager hostage as it tries to carry out its original destructive, purpose.  Thankfully, despite a 7 of 9 saves-the-day effort, the scriptwriter remembers this episode started out focussing on Harry Kim (remember him?) and he talks the missile into true self-awareness, just in time to allow it to sacrifice itself to take down the remainder of its AI missile chums.  Not a bad story, and the Doctor is always enjoyable, but I really get the sense I’ve seen this all before now.

Equinox, Part I

AKA: Sliding Voyagers, as we find out what happens to a Starfleet crew dumped in the Delta Quadrant who don’t have Janeway’s adherence to the mores of the Federation, Harry Kim’s idealism and whatever the hell it is that Tacotray brings to the mix.  Probably something about medicine bundles, I suppose.  Yes, it’s time to meet the few remaining crew members of the USS Equinox, headed up by Captain Rudy Ransom, who unlike our regular heroes have forsaken those Prime Directives in a big way.  Which explains why, despite being limited to Warp 8, they’ve managed to skip across 35,000ly of space (hey, we’re halfway home!) in the same time as the good old Voyager.  Being in the Delta Quadrant, it’s been a while since we enjoyed the ‘Mad, bad and dangerous to know‘ Starfleet captain trope – TOS was full of them, and the other serieses haven’t exactly been shy to explore this idea either(6*).  Hence, there’s little surprise when the dodgy dealings of the Equinox crew quickly come to light – crystallizing some extra-dimensional aliens to make super-fuel…and aforementioned aliens are understandably pissed as hell at this.

Did I mention I love Starfleet ships?

Cue the tiny crew of the Equinox running rings around the supposedly larger and better organised Voyager crew to nick off with their spare shield parts, leaving Janeway and crew the face the misdirected wrath of the aliens.  Remind me again Kathy, about how your well ordered ship and its crew’s adherence to Starfleet regulations makes you better?  Because from the evidence here, you were like a bunch of cadets against Ransom and crew.  And there were are…unlike last year a bit of a cliffhanger to go out of S5…

Oh. I should also mention, for no-sodding-narrative reason at all, Naomi Wildman get’s a scene in this episode.  Why?  Fucked if I know, it does nothing to advance the plot other than to remind us all that the hated brat is still breathing, and hasn’t been tastefully vapourised by a plasma conduit blowout.  Yet, I live in hope, but also fear as I know I’m getting closer to the monstrously awful addition to the crew of the liberated Borg children.  Is that S6 or do I get a period of grace until S7?  I’m not sure, and I won’t be checking ahead to find out!

There you go, that’s the 5th season put to bed.  A season of real highs (Bride of Chaotica, Timeless), utter lows (Thirty Days, Once Upon a Fucking Time) and missed opportunities to do something stunning (11:59).  Yet, I come away feeling it was a stronger season, sure Harry and B’Elanna got reduced to supporting cast, and Tom’s story arc makes no sense, but I felt most importantly, Tacotray got less screen time than ever.  And that can only be a good thing.  Bring on S6, and hopefully Naomi Wildman falling headfirst into the warp reactor!!!

1*: It’s at 23:22 onwards.  Go watch it.  I can wait.  Although you may never sleep again afterwards.
2*: Fun fact – I walked down the aisle with my new bride to the opening music to ST:FC.  Some of the guests knew what it was, including the vicar!  The rest, in blissful ignorance
3*: Unless, like me you spotted that Paris is wearing his Lt (jg) pips rather than his Ensign rank.  That’s a bit of a giveaway that not all is kosher here.
4*: I can only assume that this bomb hasn’t been found for 5 years by any engineers repairing Voyager’s extensive damage, due to a sorta bootstrap paradox – it wasn’t there in the past to find until this episode’s events, and then it was always there.
5*: The Kazon: about whom no one ever said “Hey, I miss the Kazon, I wish they’d come back again“.  Notably, there’s only exterior shots, so no actors get to play these ersatz Klingon-wannabes here.
6*: Off the top of my head at least cf. TNG: The Wounded, TOS: Whom Gods Destroy, TOS: Turnabout Intruder, TOS: The Doomsday Machine

The Great Star Trek: Voyager Rewatch: Season 5 (part 1)

Last time on Star Trek Voyager…  Well here we are again, happy as can be, only three seasons left to go before Janeway becomes a deranged Borg smashing Admiral, and Harry Kim gets any character growth.  Joke.  I’ve no hope left Harry will achieve any such thing, he’ll just keep on dying and being replicated for the remaining three years of the voyage home.  Right, no more prevaricating…on with the season!


A rather lovely low key intro to the 5th season, which like Hope and Fear before it, actually addresses some of the longer term implications of the ship’s now 4 year+ voyage home.  As the ship crosses the Void, an extensive region of utter darkness for months on end, the crew are dealing with the boredom in their own ways.  Paris plays Captain Proton (1st appearance for a much loved holonovel), Harry plays his oboe (for the 2nd time) and Janeway…Janeway collapses into existential despair over her actions at the Caretaker’s array in the first place.  That the Captain is essentially sulking in her cabin like a moody teenager for weeks on end, says something about the Voyager crew’s mental fitness that is rarely addressed.  I know Starfleet only takes the best, but you really might expect a few more of them by now to have started suffering from all kinds of mental problems, that can’t be cured with a quick wave of the Doctor’s medical-bio-wand. Sorry, tricorder.

Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I’m off to my cabin to eat gagh!

Bonus points to the episode for giving Neelix nihiliphobia, for once I’m utterly with old gerbil-features.  Naturally, the Doctor tells him to pull his socks up and get used to it.  Honestly, the Enterprise-D gets a councillor to help the Enterprise’s crew deal with the slightest worry, the Voyager get’s WWI style reactions to mental disorders.  It’s a wonder Harry Kim isn’t permanently shackled to his bed by now screaming “I died and then I wasn’t dead!” constantly, such is the paucity of the mental care of this vessel.

This radiation is so bad, I forgot to wear any clothes

Sadly, halfway through this episode we encounter a Malon freighter captain who is using the Void to dump radiation, which is pissing off the humanoid lifeforms who live there no end.  This seriously pisses the Starfleet crew off, but as the Malon have access to a spacial-rift that could cut 2 years off their passage through the Void…they can’t just say “Naughty polluters” and call out Captain Planet.  Anyway, as something exciting is now happening, Janeway comes out of her sulk and in an effort to assuage her guilt over dumping the crew in the Delta Quadrant offers to stay behind to seal the rift, sacrificing herself so her crew can all get home AND the local Void population gets protected.  A win-win, rather than the win-lose at the Caretaker’s Array.  Naturally the crew tell her to naff off, and riding a wave of explosions they make it out of the void and into a whole new region of space, packed with systems.  New possibilities await now, and no doubt we’ll never see any of the old Delta Quadrant races we’ve seen to date now, like the Kazon, Vidiian or Borg!


I spoke too soon.

A classic Trek trope kicks this one off – a transporter incident!  For reasons that are, not well explained, the Doctor’s 29th Century mobile emitter and 7 of 9 make a baby Borg together.  Or at least that’s what seems to be the case.  Anyway, what with all this ‘seeking new live, and new civilisations’ Janeway let’s the sprog grow to term, and before you know it, 7 of 9 is teaching him how to be an individual and not a drone.  Yes, it’s 7’s plotlines from early S4 all over again.  Still One seems to be a nice enough chap, and integrates with the crew far more rapidly than 7, and even after he inadvertently calls in his Borg chums sides with the Starfleet crew, sacrificing his existence in the end so that Borg don’t keep chasing him for his hyper-advanced technology.

This is what simply EVERYONE’s wearing in the 29th century, dah-ling

Sad.  Nice little story though, despite its resonances with last season.  And at least, surely this is the last time we have to deal with the Borg? Right?

Extreme Risk

For once the ‘on the edge, acting dodgy’ plot staple is awarded to Tom’s girlfriend, B’Elanna rather than Mr Paris himself.  Maybe this was written as a Tom plot, but the actors complained that it was time Torres had a centric story again to balance things out.  Whatever the answer, in this adventure Torres is being a bad, emo kind of girl.  Playing holodeck games with the safety protocols switched off. Quelle horreur!  Turns out she’s bummed out by the deaths back in the Alpha Quadrant of all the Marqui.  Hence she’s acting out like a moody teenager until the ship’s ersatzt councillor, Tacotray, calls her on it.

“Screw this plot line…I’m outta here!”

There’s a b-story about the Delta Flyer, Tom Paris’ super shuttle racing into a gas giant against some aliens to recover one of voyager’s probes (I always thought they were pretty disposable, given the number Starfleet just chucks out, but oh no, Janeway gets all possessive over this one).  Naturally, B’Elanna has to come along and loh and behold, her extreme experiences come in handy in saving them all from being crushed.  And with the addition of some banana pancakes, Torres deep clinical depression is cured just like that.  Wow, Federation metal health treatment really is light years ahead of reality. (He added, very sarcastically).

In the Flesh

Meanwhile back at Starfleet Command…except it’s not!  That’s pretty much the strapline for this episode, where the Voyager runs across a space station set up with aliens cosplaying at being Starfleet officers at the San Francisco Academy.  Yes, Voyager has stumbled over the Pasadena Star Trek Convention and must face down an army of aggravated nerds once Janeway and crew start acting like total Buzz Killingtons and wreak things.

Alien misses clear opportunity to suck Tacotray’s spinal cord out

Eh?  Oh, right, sorry.  Turns out, actually, this is Species 8472’s advanced simulation for invading Federation space…for…you know…reasons.  Okay, turns out half way through it’s all those nanoprobes the Voyager crew helped the Borg weaponise, are the casus belli this time.  Actually, it’s not too bad an episode, even given the large amount of screentime devoted to Tacotray and his love affair with one of the transmogrified fluidic space denizens.  I confess I was rather hoping he’d try to jump the bones of his ‘not really a lady’ love, only to have her dissolve all over him with icky biohorror goo.  Sadly, half-way through, once the ruse is up, it all turns into a spot of light diplomacy between the two different races with only the mildest of threats.  Even worse, this means that the new, uber-threat that replaced the nerfed Borg, Species 8472, have themselves been bowdlerised by Voyager.  It’s a pity that a terrifying cosmic threat…remains a terrifying cosmic threat (cf. The Shadows pretty much throughout Babylon 5)

Once Upon a Time

No one dies in this one.  There you go, I’ve told you everything to need to know to just skip past this one.

Still watching?  You glutton for punishment!

You just know from the outset, that any episode which opens with a long segment focussing on Scrappy-Doo analogue Naomi Wildman and her dippy-ippy Federation indoctrination holodeck programme chums, is likely to be godammned awful.  Moreover, this one features lots of surrogate father “Death is nothingness forever” Neelix in prime god-father caring mode, helping Naomi cope when her mum suffers a surprisingly non-fatal if nasty incident on an away mission.  However, by the time we reached this story I was still hurling chunks all over the carpet, thanks to the horrifically saccharine introduction.  Honestly, it reminded me of The Cost of Living, a near unwatchable TNG episode.  Why oh why must Trek go down the Cousin Oliver narrative route again?  Did we not learn with the sucky Alexander kid episodes(*)?

Everything in this scene is utterly vile

Let me see if I can find SOMETHING to like about this episode?  Okay, it’s probably going to have to be sentient gerbil Neelix’s sudden remembrance of the plotline around the Metreon Cascade and his sister’s death.  That was good, much overdue, and well acted by Ethan Phillips, demonstrating once again that when you give even a lame character played by a good actor something worthwhile, that their acting talent shines through.  More pathos like this, of sins and losses past, and an exploration of Neelix suppressing it all in order to be the happy clown morale office, could so easily have made him the standout character of the show.  That the showrunners didn’t, is one of many reasons Voyager’s the weakest of the Trek series by a couple of megaparsecs.

Anyway, the rest of this abominable awful episode is concerned with Neelix trying to keep her mother’s possible demise secret from Naomi, and catastrophically failing when the precocious sprog enters the bridge during the attempted rescue and recovery mission.  This raises two big questions.  One: How the hell is a child allowed access to the most important and restricted parts of the ship?  Surely the ship computer could lock her out, under what is known in the Starfleet manual as The Wesley Requirement.  Two: What the utter FUCK has happened to Janeway’s hair in this episode?  Did she let 7 braid it during one of their frequent (I assume) off camera Mother/Daughter holodeck bonding sessions, and she’s not got the heart to tell the former drone that it looks utterly shite?

Janeway – What. The. Hell.

That aside – you can skip this episode in good health and not miss anything much at all. In fact, go watch Threshold, it features a shuttle crash and while rubbish, is 1000% more enjoyable a watch than this monstrosity.

God help my sanity when the fucking Borg children come aboard too.


Great Scott!  A decent episode, and more important a Harry Kim centric one.  I honestly cannot remember the last time the Eternal Ensign got to appear centre stage!  Although, this said, once again it seems Harry can’t be allowed to headline an episode alone, and gets partnered with Tacotray in this tale set 15 years hence.  It also falls victim to Harry Kim Trope 101: Harry Dies.  Honestly, he can’t catch a break, can he.

Late-30s Harry has gone really grey

Anyway, 15 years in the future, future Harry and future Tacotray, along with future random-chick, find the ruins of the Voyager in the ice of a world on the edge of Federation space.  Turns out in the past (that’s the Voyager present day) Harry made a massive booboo when trying to assist with Voyager’s maiden quantum slipstream drive flight…killing everyone onboard.  But no worries, thanks to 7 of 9’s hitherto never mentioned (or ever mentioned again) temporal headchip, he can send a message back in time to avert catastrophe.  Just a couple of pickles in the ointment: the first message he sends back actually causes the disaster in the first place and…oh yes, he and Tacotray are on the run from the Federation – who are able represented in hot pursuit by cameo Captain Geordi LaForge(2*).  Still, at the end we’re 10 whole years (so ~10,000ly) closer to home, so it’s a bit of a rare win for the crew all round.

The real reason the Voyager crashed…drunk astrogation!

The pointless and underdeveloped Tacotray romantic subplot (again?!) aside, there are numerous standout moments in this episode.  The Voyager crash is easily the best and most dramatic SFX I’ve seen on the show.  The slow-mo celebration inaugurating the Quantum Slipstream drive is a masterful celebration of the show (which, not incidentally, hit 100 episodes with this tale), and Garrett Wang gives his single best performance of the show to date – utterly convincing as older and present Harry as disparate people without the need for much makeup.  Tacotray…less so, given he appears not to have aged in 15 years.  Honestly, episodes like this make me glad i stuck with the show through dreck like Once Upon a Time!

Infinite Regress

Ah, it’s 7 of 9 again, this time in 7 of 9 Story variant #3: Something Borgy goes wrong and threatens everyone (3*).  This time, it’s a virus infected Borg vinculum that triggers off the latent memories of all the thousands of assimilated Borg to whom she used to be connected.  Before anyone can say ‘blatant opportunity for an actor to demonstrate their range’, 7’s been overwhelmed and starts cycling through all the personas.  So we get kiddie 7 playing games with sodding Naomi Wildman(4*), attempting to copulate Klingon stylee with B’Elanna and looking for a mother’s son lost at Wolf 359 among many other briefer cameos.  Joking aside, Jeri Ryan is pretty good in the different roles, even as I rather suspect the episode was written as an opportunity for the actress to cut loose from the uptight emotionless Borgette she normally has to play.

Borg Tech: Where green isn’t just a lifestyle choice, it’s required

Anyway, turns out the vinculum is actually a sacrificial booby trap left by an alien race, who don’t take too kindly to Janeway and chums’ efforts to disentangle 7 from it.  They were rather hoping it would sink the Borg.  Hang on.  As of last episode we’re 10,000ly further away from the Borg than ever…how sodding far does their collective reach?  I thought Kes had shunted the Voyager well past Borg space in The Gift last season…and yet they’re still everywhere.  How come they’ve not conquered the entire Galaxy by now thanks to transwarp corridors, if they can quite literally pop out anywhere in the Delta and Alpha Quadrant they fancy?  Narrative inconsistencies, thy name is Star Trek.

Connect 4: Alive and well in the 24th Century

That said, it’s an enjoyable enough episode.  At least it was until I drop kicked my TV in the closing scene as 7 of 9 bonds with emergent Mary Sue, Naomi Wildman.  Someone, get that kid assimilated or liquidated quick – she’s rapidly surpassing Tacotray as my trigger point for hating on an episode.

Nothing Human

Any episode that starts off with a clear shout out to that other famous holographic starship crew member, Arnold J Rimmer‘s slide-show lecture on his hiking holiday through Red Dwarf‘s Diesel Decks, warms me from the open.  Yes, things have got so bad aboard Voyager (clearly no Class B Gaseous Anomalies around to survey) that everyone’s sitting through repeat performances of the Doctor’s slideshow entitled “The Doctor: My Greatest Achievements To Date“.  Sadly, while this announces to the viewer ‘It’s a Doctor Episode!’, it quickly turns out it’s going to be a medical ethics one.  When B’Elanna get’s splurged and entangled by a non-humanoid alien that baffles the EMH, the Voyager crew (okay Harry…who despite being the most junior of officers is THE holo-programming whiz after B’Elanna) puts together another EMH.  Or rather they create an Emergency Medical Consultant in the shape of renowned exobiology specialist (and spoon-headed Cardassian) Dr Crell Moset to advise and assist.

Honestly, I couldn’t tell the difference between the two!

Hands up anyone who’s seen any episode involving Cardassians and the Bajoran occupation who didn’t predict that the big reveal was going to be Dr Moset is essential Dr Mengele?  Anyone?  Anywhere?  Yeah, me neither.  Naturally, we then head off into a whole heap of debates contrasting saving Torres’ life vs using medical research collected through applied crimes against humanities (or sentients anyway).  The answer, unsurprisingly is, we probably shouldn’t but hey we saved B’Elanna let’s all brush this under the carpet.  Best we don’t give her survivor’s guilt or anything, that drops her back into the fragile mindset she had back in Extreme Risk or, hell, give Torres some character development outside of the ‘Toraris’ coupling.  Oh, while this is all going on, Janeway has a dull story about translating the squidgy alien’s language and getting him shipped back to his ‘people’.  But you can safely skip past all those scenes as they don’t amount to anything of any particular interest.

Thirty Days

So, it’s come to this.  5 seasons of character development of Tom Paris away from the ‘very naughty boy’ who came aboard at the start of the show, into a rounded adventurer and Starfleet officer.  Demoted in rank and stuck in the brig for 30 days, as he narrates a flashback letter to his father about what happened.  Long story short, he followed his conscience, breached Starfleet regs and disobeyed orders to do the morally right thing.  Had this been 7 of 9, she’d have got a slap on the wrist and a bit of a talking to.  Because it’s Tom ‘Whipping Boy’ Paris though, we get a demotion to ensign and a prison sentence.  It really feels out of character for Janeway to be quite this harsh, and demonstrates the clear favouritism operating under her command structure.  I know if I was in Starfleet, I’d really not want her as my commanding officer!

Do NOT be around one of these guys with a cold

The actually framing story around Paris’ ‘misdeeds’, concerns a genuinely interesting stellar phenomena, in a slowly destabilising planet sized water ball and an alien race who inhabit it.  Enjoyable enough, although the aliens’ make-up job comes straight out of the ‘good enough, let’s not bother’ Voyager playbook.  The highlight of the episode comes early on when we (finally) meet the Delaney sisters, playing along with Tom and Harry in a Captain Proton holodeck adventure.  Some good gags, although as usual we watch Harry strike out in the dating game.  Additionally, would Torres be that happy that Tom’s off playing ‘games’ with these attractive twins?  Hmnnn.

‘Please show us your proton, Tom’

Side note: I hear tell that Garrett ‘Harry Kim’ Wang has explained at conventions why the showrunners kept Harry as an ensign for Voyager’s entire run.  No, not incompetent world building (yes it is) but because ‘Someone has to be the ensign’ they told him.  Now Tom’s an ensign, surely this would be the perfect time to promote Harry?  Hah.  No.  No they don’t.  Honestly, this show makes me scream sometimes!


Aha – an episode I’ve seen a few times for a change, down to it being a Kate Mulgrew ‘favourite’ pick in a few Star Trek retrospectives.  And while it’s not a bad Captain Janeway centric one, it’s hardly one of the most standout episodes of the show.  Voyager gets repeatedly boarded and inspected by members of the Devorian Imperium, a race of space-nazis hunting space jews.  Or telepaths, rather.  The creepy Inspector Kashyk later defects and works with Janeway to find the underground railroad…sorry, wormhole through which these poor telepaths can escape.  But *shocking musical sting* it turns out he’s a double agent, still loyal to the Imperium.  Luckily, Kathy, despite being drawn into a semi-romance with Kashyk never fully trusted him and had been running her own double bluff.  Or counterpoint, if you will.

He was only obeying orders…can he help it though, if he loves it!?

Er…that’s about it.  While an enjoyable enough episode, I was never convinced for a moment that Kashyk was actually a turncoat.  He’s just soooo eager to help the telepaths all of a sudden, after being a literal moustache twirling villain in the earlier moments of the story, that his heel-turn fails to feel authentic.  Sadly, he also fails to execute Naomi Wildman as annoyance during his repeated inspections, so he loses points from me there too.

Latent Image

This episode embodies everything that is wrong with Voyager.

During some routine diagnostics, the Doctor discovers Harry’s had an operation that he never performed.  Except he did, he just doesn’t remember it.  Turns out there was also another Ensign on the Voyager who the Doctor doesn’t remember too.  Before he can shout ‘Mind stealing aliens’, it turns out it was Captain Janeway who had his memory erased.  Why?  Because despite 7 seasons of Data on TNG, and 5 of the Doctor on Voyager, and decades of Starfleet searching out ‘new life forms and new civilisations’, when they pop up in their midst, they’re treated as little more than a replicator.  And when the Doctor gets the BSOD(5*), you just press the reset switch and start over.  Wow, way to utterly ignore all the high minded ethics the Voyager captain espouses in encounters with every other life form in the Delta Quadrant.

If you have an ethical dilemma, for fuck’s sake, don’t go ask Neelix for advice!

Janeway’s justification for her actions, was the Doctor had a mental breakdown after he had to choose to save only one of two identically valuable and injured patients.  Hence, the reset.  When she restores his memories, not unsurprisingly he has a meltdown all over again.  Then, because this is how you treat mental illness on Voyager, they sit him a room for two weeks to talk to himself.  No, they don’t create a holo-recreation of history’s greatest thinkers, philosophers or psychoanalysts.  They just sit the Doctor, in an empty room, while bored crewmen and women sit and read books and let him rave, until a spot of poetry cures him.

“Of course. Poetry cures mental illness”

Yep.  That’s the conclusion.  Massive psychological trauma can be cured by a ‘bit of an old sit and think’, and a spot of ‘hackneyed Hallmark poetry’.  The thing is, the idea that the Doctor has repressed memories, and that we lost a crewperson who NO-ONE ever mentions accidentally in the 18 months since she died, is actually a really interesting hook.  Bob Picardo, as per usual does wonders with it, but the payoff is wake and Janeway’s attitude is utterly implausible.  With 30 Days and this episode, I’m beginning to wonder if Janeway’s actually been replaced by an imposter.  If that turns out to be the case a few episodes on, I may revise my opinion of this episode.  But as it stands, it’s a trite resolution and a poor treatment of what could be a fascinating topic.  Because you and I know full well…we will NEVER…EVER mention that the Doctor had to overcome this difficulty again.  Just like Neelix, he’ll be back to his irascible, happy self next time.

Janeway looks about as happy with this episode as I feel

Poor show, Voyager showrunners, poor show indeed.

Bride of Chaotica!

THIS episode made watching the preceding 4.5 seasons worth it.  Without a doubt this is the single most enjoyable, well scripted and polished story that the show’s produced, and it’s not (really) in the slightest bit serious.  Right in the middle of Ens Tom Paris’ latest Captain Proton holodeck adventure, a load of photonic creatures turn up – and taking their lead from the 1930s stylings of Proton’s adventures, turn themselves into a load of G-Men.  G-Men who wage a (losing) war against the evil of Doctor Chaotica, since to them it’s all very real, causing the Voyager to become immobilised.  Needless to say, hilarity soon ensues.

Satan’s Robot: My new hero!

And for once, I mean that without a hint of sarcasm.  There are too many awesome moments to choose just one:  from the Doctor’s ‘President of Earth’, through to Chaotica’s reformed and moronic robot, to Janeway’s incredible ‘Queen Arachnia’, they’re all wonderful stuff.  Even Harry and Tom, largely playing the straight guys, have plenty to do with their screentime.  However, the true standout performer of the episode is Martin Rayner as Dr Chaotica, he chews the scenery like a pro, and even remembers to claw his hand as he falls into his own nuclear reactor.  Sorry, Proton’s destructo-ray.

What out for her (bottled) pheromones!

The cast really demonstrate in this one their comfort with each other’s acting talents in the way they bounce off each other.  It’s a damned shame we don’t see the Janeway/Paris pairing more often as Mulgrew and McNeill really demonstrate a great onscreen partnership that’s very easy on the eye.  If only more episodes of Voyager were half as this decent as Bride of Chaotica!, these reviews would a lot easier to write!


After the last episode, I wasn’t too keen to go into what looks like a dull ‘how Tuvok got his logic’ flashback centric episode (what is it with this guy and Flashbacks?).  We learn how kid-Tuvok was Billy-everyteen hot over some alien chick, and had to be sent to the equivalent of Vulcan reform school to get over himself.  And her.  The framing story though has a Voyager shuttle, containing Tuvok, Paris and the Doctor, crash into a planet (6*).  Tuvok soon runs into a feisty local, Noss (played by an excellent Lori ‘Tank Girl’ Petty), who replays the love story in reverse – only this time, Tuvok has to be the emotionally distant, logical teacher.  For a moment I thought ‘Oh gawd, this is mentoring Kes all over again‘!  But actually, the not-quite-love story of the pair, set against the efforts of the quartet to get off the planet, does make for a rather enjoyable explanation of what Tuvok tick.  In fact, I think this is the closest we’ve ever got to seeing just how much Vulcan’s struggle with their emotions.  At least until T’Pol starts sniffing Trellium-D.

Teenage Tuvok was a real douche

Meanwhile, Voyager is hampered in her efforts to recover the crew who’ve dropped through a subspace ‘sinkhole’ caused by a gravitational anomaly.  It’s not quite Interstellar’s Gargantua, but it’s nice for once to see the speculative effects of gravitational time-dilation impacting on the show – time is passing much faster for the crashed crew than Voyager, which causes a bit of a hiccup in the rescue, albeit, not a big enough one to cause Harry more than a few seconds worry.  The episode ends with a rather touching mind-meld between Tuvok and Noss, who might not part as lovers as she hoped, but at least leave as something more than friends.  Rather an adult theme for what is at heart of a show about rubber foreheaded aliens and terrible captain’s hairdos.

And…we’re done on this half of the season.  Do join me in the next post where I’ll head in a glut of good episodes.  Well, Equinox Pt1 and Dark Frontier aren’t bad anyway…

* Okay, I’ll grant a Fistfull of Datas has its moments
2* Unsurprisingly LeVar Burton’s the episode’s director too.  Nice two for one deal there Paramount
3* The other two variants are of course #1: 7 learns about being human from Janeway and #2: 7 saves the day, Wesley style!
4* Can’t we have more than one episode off from her? I was praying in Timeless, that Harry wouldn’t change history – just to leave insufferable Naomi ‘Wesley Crusher’ Wildman dead and frozen forever.
5* Yes, we’re back at ripping off Red Dwarf again.  This time, it’s The Last Day and the ‘metaphysical dichotomy’ that stops Hudzen 10 in his tracks. If only he’d had some poetry about calculators to fall back on!
6* I’ve concluded that if we log how many time’s a ‘Voyager shuttle crashes’ is the inciting incident, we’d find about 40-50% of plotlines start that way.  If Starfleet and Voyager was real, no sane person would get into one of them, that’s for sure!

The Great Star Trek: Voyager Rewatch: Season 4 (part 2)

Okay, from here on – it should be downhill as I’m halfway through the seasons.  Although, since Voyager has very variable season lengths I’m not sure if I’ve passed the halfway episode mark.  But it must come soon, mustn’t it?  Read about the previous report over here.

Message in a Bottle

Okay, after the previous few episodes, here we have a stone-cold classic.  Thanks to the handy-dandy super-massive communications network tapped into by 7 of 9 (and a big hello to all you Hirogin out there), Voyager finally reaches communications range with Starfleet.  Albeit, one ship on the outer fringes of the Alpha Quadrant.  As its not responding, for some reason it’s easier to beam the Doctor’s complex programme all the way there than, say, a video message or something.  Not that I’m complaining as what follows is a mix of comedy and drama, that perhaps should be called Doctor Hard – as the Doctor, along with an EMH Mk2, have to rescue the USS Prometheus from its Romulan captors.

EMH Mk 2: Now with 50% more holo-hair follicles

There is some other stuff going on, but the vast majority of the episode is left to Andy Dick and Bob Picardo to strut their stuff.  A real reminder that when Trek mixes comedy with the drama, it can turn out some of its best episodes.  I had, truth be told, seen this one a few times before, but it held up very well for another viewing.  Even Mrs Llama enjoyed watching it with me – high praise indeed!  And importantly, from this point forward – Voyager might still be 60,000ly from Earth (still?!?! Have they been not moving since Kes threw them forward in The Gift?) but there’s an increasing chance that Starfleet will be able to contact them again.

Khaaaaaaan!  Well, one of his sidekicks

Just a shame 7 pissed off the Hirogin in the process of establishing the communication link.  That’s never going to come back to bite them, is it…


I’ve been increasingly noticing that this season of Voyager has been extremely referential.  Okay, maybe this is the culture and media scholar part of me spotting that all cultural outpourings are palimpsest, reworkings of things that have come before.  Mostly Voyager has been drawing on TNG homages, but for the next couple of episodes it’s demonstrable the cinematic world of scifi.  So, first up is Voyager’s tribute to the movie Predator.

Ostensibly this episode’s main story is about the aftermath of last episode’s communicative contact with receipt and decoding of a battery of personal messages from Starfleet, via the Hirogin array(1*).  Cue my single favourite moment of the whole episode as Janeway reads her ‘Dear Kathy’ letter in abject silence while the camera slowly creeps towards her.  A nice piece of nuanced emotions play across Kate Mulgrew’s face in this scene.  It’s often been noted that TV acting is all about the facial close up, and here that maxim is expressed in spades.  Elsewhere, the funniest moment has to be Neelix being told he gets to be the ‘postman’ for the messages, since Starfleet lives in the 24th Century where apparently the ability to email documents direct to people’s personal computers has ceased to exist, while interstellar communication is commonplace. Yeah, I recognise the writers going “How can we ram it home that Neelix is utterly valueless?  Let’s give him a job that no one needs to do!

The action part of the plot is the full introductions of the predatory (HAH!) Hirogen hunters, who capture Tuvok and 7, and go into a long torture-porn homage of how they’re going to pull out their intestines and bones and display them.  Throughout this sequence no one asks the question I had burning in my mind: the Hirogin aren’t that advanced…how did they build the inter-quadrant communication array?  Was it in fact, built by some other super-advanced progenitor race who might have the kind of super technology based around harnessing black-holes that could take the Voyager home?  The fact no one asks this blinding obvious question, is a serious omission, and one that I’ll hold out minor hope for being addressed in later shows(2*).

Like all fanbois, this Hirogen wants unrestricted access to 7 of 9’s internal organs

Harry Kim, by the way, is once again poorly served by a tertiary subplot about wanting a letter from his mummy and daddy.  The writers just reminding us that despite obvious appearances, Naomi Wildman is not the baby of the crew.  With her accelerated aging, doubtless she’ll make Ensign before Kim too.  I like Harry, but clearly the showrunners hate him, as I can’t remember the last time he had something to do that wasn’t moaning about something,  mooning over 7 or being patronised by Janeway.

Inappropriate touching!!!


Monster-movie-mashup continues with…Alien.  It also continues the Hirogen arc, as two Hunters take on the most dangerous prey…man…borg…Kazon (HAH!)…oh okay, dodgy CGI species 8472.  Despite blasting the escaping fluidic alien with enough energy to kill even Neelix’s insufferable joie-de-vivre, it still manages to kick their armoured asses.  Cue Voyager picking up the injured Hirogen, played by the always wonderfully deep-voiced Tony Todd, and learning more about the hunter’s species and their ways.  Tony Todd for me immediately elevates anything he’s in regardless of the show’s quality, be it as the voice of Zoom in the Flash, CIA Director Graham in Chuck or importantly, Jake Sisko in DS9.  His addition to Voyager in this episode is no exception to the rule.

I forget…what’s the ship’s name?

But wait, I said this was Alien, not ‘let’s all learn more about each other and have enemies become friends’.  The aforementioned still-kicking 8472 (let’s call him Frank) manages to get slice his way into Voyager, causing Janeway to almost have a bout of apoplexy as she puts everything on alert and turns all the power up to 11. While the Voyager crew go on their bug-hunt, Frank keeps trying to open up singularity so he can pop back home into fluidic space.  I suspect opening a black-hole down on B deck’d do untold wonders for Voyager’s structural integrity and Harry Kim’s collection of dolls.  Notably, despite Frank’s hitherto celebrated powerfulness – no member of Voyager’s crew gets exed nor even grows the same facial mold as Harry Kim.  Odd that.

“Sarge, is this gonna be a standup fight, sir, or another bug hunt?”

Eventually, more Hirogen chums turn up, and the Alpha Hirogen escapes from sick-bay, engages in a spot of Greco-Roman wrestling with Frank, only for the pair of them to be beamed onto the Hirogen vessels by 7.  This flagrant breach of protocol and direct violation of the Captain’s orders by the ex-borg crewman, sees 7 severely slapped down by being sent to bed without supper for a week and no space pr0n.  Honestly, the writers really are doubling down on the ‘Voyager as a family, and Kathy as the mom’ meme this season.  Okay, 7 is actually restricted to the cargo bay (until such a time as the plot needs her not to be – I give it a week) with no computer access.  Not that I want to second judge Janeway’s increasingly erratic and Starfleet protocol-violating command decisions, but doesn’t Voyager have a perfectly functional brig for just such an occasion?


Okay, who had 3.34 secs before 7 was released? Yep, we couldn’t even keep her in the hold for a whole episode, as Retrospect focuses on her, which is rather poor planning on the showrunners’ part.  Then again, by now I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that the showrunners are idiots, so I accept this narrative decision with a shrug.  This episode is best described as ‘Raaaaaape innnnn Spaaaaaace’, as following an encounter with an alien arms merchant (Kovin)  7 of 9 gets a bit ‘hands on’ and punches his lights out.  Why, we all cry, as do the crew of the Voyager.  Thankfully we’ve got (untrained and unlicensed) psychotherapist simulation the Doctor on hand to take us back through 7’s repressed memories of an earlier encounter with Kovin where he…violated her.  Okay, this PG-12 TV, so no rape (or even mental rape, as we had with Troi back in TNG: Violations) is depicted, but he does “penetrate” her to remove her frequent McGuffin, Borg nanoprobes.  Hence, 7’s anger it seems stems from a genuine personal violation, at the hands of a suddenly very (understandably) defensive Kovin.

Lie still my pretty, while I suck out your natural…fluids!

As things turn out, the accusation, despite all the initial evidence is a false one, and Kovin didn’t diddle 7’s assimilation-tubules (ooh-er) after all.  But since, pretty much everyone’s been after him, he flees in a tiny, crappy but heavily armed ship – which promptly blows up after he tries to fire all weapons on Voyager.  If only he’d opened the antimatter injectors to 120%, none of this tragedy would have happened.  When WILL people learn…  Cue the 7 discovering the ‘joy’ of remorse, and the Doctor asking Janeway to Ctrl+Alt+Del his operational subroutines so he can forget (no, you can’t, it’s all part of the human journey, Doc).  Shame he can’t drink or go on a vision quest, that’d soon sort him out.  Of course, we must remember that none of this tragedy would have happened if the crew had relied on their standard protocol for psychological trauma, a vision quest with Tacotray!  Although, for once, I’m glad we dispensed with this mystical bollox in a SciFi show, since as things goes it delivered a none too bad ‘did he do it’ mystery.

The Killing Game: PtI

Janeway’s a Klingon!  No, wait, she’s white suited Liza Minnelli running a bar during WWII for alien nazis(3*)!  Okay, despite the confusing cold open, it turns out that between episodes the Hirogen have gotten annoyed at being ignored for a whole story and have captured the Voyager.  Now they appear to be using the holodecks with a brain-washed crew to act out complex combat storylines on Kronos and WWII.  The crew’s memories of who they are have been wiped, although what is not explained is how they all now have detailed knowledge of the characters they are playing. Hirogen technology is nothing if not unexplained and variable in advancement.  Although, they clearly don’t have holodecks and must rely on the Doctor to patch up the crew when they’re injured during the simulations.

The most exciting moment all episode

Meanwhile in the ‘real’ world, only Harry Kim, the Doctor and an unspeaking NPC crew member who is likely to be red-shirted at any moment, are kept awake to keep the simulations and the ship running.  Poor old Harry, as I said earlier, he’s ‘enjoying’ one of the ‘Harry suffers misery’ plotlines, which will as per normal have no long term ramifications.  Meanwhile, in between Mademoiselle de Nerf serenading(4*) us like Lt Gruber from Allo Allo, and Neelix riding a bike around awkwardly (honestly he nearly falls off repeatedly) Janeway leads the French resistance in preparations for the arrival of the US Army.  Naturally, even this is all part of the Hirogen’s programme, although since they’ve taken the holodeck safety protocols offline there’s little surprise that something unexpected is going to go wrong.  Which it promptly does when ‘Capt’ Tacotray’s US Army division blows a hole in the side of the holodeck into the ship itself.  It makes for a dramatic closing shot, although I’m still not clear how they’ve expanded a single room to cover several decks without utterly compromising the ship’s structural integrity.  Also…how did Harry Kim and one NPC ensign do all this structural work?!  Guess we might find out in part two!

The Killing Game: PtII

Once again we run into Trek ‘difficult second episode’ syndrome.  It’s affected even the best stories over the years, even TNG: BoBW, the second part is seldom the match of the first.  Here in The Killing Game’s second episode, the interesting diversion we’ve taken starts falling apart at the scenes, rather like Voyager itself.  Honestly, the ship’s a total wreak, how will they ever fix it up enough by next week, I’ll never know (4*).  Essentially this one runs out its time with lots of back and forth, as Janeway and 7, with the help of Harry unmindwipe the crew, and then with the aid of a holographic army retake the ship.  Meanwhile, in the B-plot the Hirogen Commander and his second in command tussle over the ideological impasse they’ve reached – with the former wanting his species to hunt holographic prey, while the other feels this is a bad idea and they should stick to their good fundamentals. Like stalking, killing, skinning and boiling down for soup anyone they take their fancy too.

“And just what is it which makes you think we’re the bad guys in all this?”

Interestingly, like many Star Trek races before them, the Hirogen undergo narrative diminution in this story.  With the exception of the Kazon, who were always crap.  Anyway, in the Hirogen’s first appearances they were GIANTS, 7 foot tall and more.  There are a couple of big ones, but now they all appear to be of average height.  Guess there were a limited number of tall actors on call.  Additionally, they and their armour are no longer impressive.  A couple of rounds from a replicated replica of a WWII army rifle are enough to kill their Commander.  I’m sure in earlier episodes the Doctor went on about how biologically touch they were.  Next time they appear, I assume, they’ll be vulnerable to papercuts.  At the end of the day, Janeway brokers a truce, provides the holographic tech the Commander wanted (shame he didn’t live to see it in use) and remarks on “Casualties on both sides“.  Really?  No Starfleet crew appeared to die on screen, so am I to assume we’ve lost some redshirt NPCs who will be unmourned and unmissed?  My god, you don’t think they’ve killed off Samathana or Naomi Wildman do you?  I mean, they’ve not been on screen for ages – and that’d be terrible!

Okay, not terrible, risible.  That’s the word I’m looking for.

Vis à Vis

I almost choked on my tea when this episode opened, with Tom Paris remarking how “Nothing’s happened for weeks” and how he’s bored.  I guess we’ve had a major time skip to passover all the funerals and extensive space-dock time the Voyager must have had to end up looking all shiny and new.  Either that, or the writers weren’t talking to each other by this point in the show, and continuity had gone down the nearest Jeffrey’s tube!  Anyway, an alien flying an experimental super-warp (coaxial) drive ship turns up with a few problems, and poor old bored Paris who once again is slacking his duties gets assigned over there to help him sort through his problems.  Alarm bells were ringing doubly for me here.  When Tom was sloppy before, it was all actually part of an undercover mission, with it being later established that he’s reliably very good at his job – so chalk one to lazy retroactive characterisation.  Additionally, last time Tom started fucking around with advanced-warp drive technology…he become a lizard’s father.  So this all bodes really, really well for this story!

“I never liked your hair style!”

Turns out, we’re back in film homage territory, with Voyager’s take on Invasion of the Body Snatchers.  The visiting alien, by the name of Steth, claims to be a test pilot and offers to take Tom on a ‘romp across the cosmos‘ (or words to that effect).  Tom’s having enough trouble at work and his relationship with B’Elanna, so he declines.  Shockingly the dodgy acting alien steals Tom’s likeness and dumps the transformed Starfleet officer aboard his discarded ship for ‘Mr Tom’s Wild Coaxial Warp Ride‘.  Cue not-Tom acting up on Voyager, swinging between romantic and then hyper-aggressive with his lady love, not to mention attempting to mack on to 7 too.  His odd behaviour doesn’t go unnoticed, and culminates during an interview with Janeway with him full on trying to strangle her!  Come off it not-Tom, why not Neelix?  Of course it’s all a ruse as he’s now stolen Janeway’s body, but thankfully transformed-Tom and other previous hosts turn up to put the record straight and jump everyone back into their own bodies.  Actually, I rather enjoyed this episode, partially because Tom is a great character and well acted, and additionally because we didn’t insist on partnering with Harry all episode.  And secondly because it was a solid slice of Trek soap-opera, which even (slightly) moves Tom and B’Elanna’s romance forward.  Although, one is left feeling that they only advance their relationship in the face of terrible traumas!

The Omega Directive

Sadly this is not the crossover with Galaxy Quest that the title hints at, for shame.  When every PADD and screen on Voyager suddenly gets the OSOD (that’s the Omega Screen of Death) Janeway and 7 must collude to save warp travel as we know it from the hyper-explody Omega particle.  So terrifying is this creation of science, that ONE particle alone wiped out warp travel in a space sector by kablooying subspace forever.  Oh noes!  Leaving aside how stupid it is for something that is (a) supposedly top secret and known to captains only and (b) is announced across the ENTIRE ship(6*)…there are a smattering of some good bits in this episode, but they’re as rarefied as the particles themselves.  Okay, yes it’s yet another ‘7 and the Captain’ two hander as one learns the limits of individuality, and the captain grows…older?  I dunno, Janeway hardly seems changed by these encounters.  Despite this, it’s a classic Star Trek romp against the dangers of the unknown/things man was not meant to know!

Janeway’s curiously Omega symbol shaped conference table’s been a dead give-away for years!

Of course, dull alien species of the week has created millions of these particles which means the Voyager team get to totally ignore things like the Prime Directive or Starfleet ethics and rob them of it.  Remind me again why Janeway gets made an admiral at the end of all this, and Picard doesn’t?  While 7 wants to keep the particles as a pet (since they are the Borg’s idea of perfection), Janeway makes her flush them down the space toilet…but not before for a few seconds, the particles form into something..beautiful.  And that’s that, aside from even MORE 7 and the Captain in Master Di Vinci’s room (no John Rhys Davies, as he costs too much for a cameo)for a discussion on spirituality.  Don’t say that too loud girls, Tacotray will butt in, like he does whenever there’s a whiff of anything mystical!


Oh sweet zombie jeebus, it’s another Tacotray story.  Is it really that time again already?  Can’t we have another one about Neelix suffering instead?  No, what we have is the Voyager coming across (ooh err) a mysterious bounty hunter lady (aka a tracer) from a race called the Ramuran, who’s had a torid love affair with everyone’s least favourite Native American Starfleet officer.  EW!  Anyway, Kellin explains that her race, the Ramuran, live such a closeted life that they have (somehow) evolved pheromones that make anyone they meet forget about them after a while. Hence, poor old Tacotray can’t remember anything about this apparent love of his life, but she knows all about him, right up to his food preferences, side he dresses on and his deep love of flamenco dancing.  That last one might be a fabrication, but I forget…

Tacotray is visibly soooo into her – not!

Tragically, just as Tacotray rekindles his forgotten romance, the aforementioned tracer-lady turns out to be on the run from her society herself.  And wouldn’t you know it, another tracer sneaks onboard and ker-zaps her with a memory wiping ray.  Oh the sweet, delicious and downright hilarious irony as now she forgets all about Tacotray, and he’s the one remembering for them both.  Or at least until she buggers off with the tracer, but not before they load a virus into Voyager’s computer core to wipe all electronic traces of them too.  But not all is lost, thanks to Neelix’s hot java, and Tacotray’s pencil and paper teen-diary, where in he writes down all the hot sexy times he had with Kellin, before he forgets her once more.  Aw, that’ll keep him warm on those long lonely nights before his inevitable, and repulsive, romance with 7 of 9 two or so seasons hence.

Can’t help that Kellin got the best deal.  Unforgettable?  Sheesh, I’d love to forget I ever watched this episode.

Living Witness

Whisper it.  This is one of the truly great episodes of Voyager, and perhaps unsurprisingly, centres on the Doctor (don’t they all?).  Or at least…a copy of him, and the crew.  It tells the gloriously distorted tale, 700 years after Voyager’s visit, of their impact on the planets of Kyria and Vaska.  I say distorted, because Janeway’s got action hair and evil black gloves, Tacotray’s had a collision with a henna party and the Doctor appears to have fused with Data.  It’s all a beautiful framing tale, where through a combination of deliberate propaganda, revisionist historical research and error, that the noble Starfleet crew have been painted as marauding warmongers in a historic simulation.  Kate Mulgrew in particular chews the scenery with delightful relish, but you can see pretty much the whole cast having fun playing their evil twins.  Mirror Universe, without the Mirror Universe if you will.  Best line of episode without a doubt simulated-Tom Paris’ retort to simulated-Neelix.

Watch your mouth, hedgehog!

Actually, I suspect that line wasn’t an historical artifact.  Due to shenanigans at the time of the ship’s encounter with the planets, a copy of the Doctor was stolen from the Voyager, and it is this which is reactivated to become the titular living witness.  Naturally, the Doctor slowly puts the museum’s curator and the record straight, but sadly this uncovers underlying simmering ethnic tensions between the two local sentient races.  Civil war breaks out, and just as we’re about to see how the Doctor can act to stop it…the episode jumps forward many generations to tell us in a brief coda how things all worked out.  It’s a nice but rather truncated ending to a fascinating examination of how history and your actions get distorted over time, especially when viewed through the prism of modern sensibilities.  Much as I enjoyed this one, I do wish they’d made it a two parter – more evil crew action, and a proper resolution to the Doctor’s story.  All the same, well worth your time spent watching it.

Evil-Janeway considers who to execute first.


Harry Kim gets some time in the limelight, although as normal, his ol’pal Tom Paris is along for the ride.  Voyager comes across a Y (AKA Demon) Class planet…a planet so deadly, even orbited it would eat the hull plates!  A type of planet so hostile to life, even 7 of 9 can’t strut about unharmed!  A type of planet that Starfleet have long wished to explore but lack the technology.  Hence, it takes all of 10 minutes before Janeway and crew have rubbed some Savlon on the hull plates of a shuttle, and vaselined up a couple of space suits so Tom and Harry can wander around on the surface unharmed and mine liquid deuterium.  And if that’s not enough fun, Voyager goes to Blue Alert (which does mean changing the bulb) and lands as well.


Hello?  Internal consistency called, and asked you to try and at least stay true to your own (wacked out) crazy physics logic!  Honestly, the episode spends so long telling us how deadly these types of planets are, and in minutes it’s all hand-waved away so we can go romping around the surface without a care in the world.  Unsurprisingly, once down there we end up with ANOTHER Harry Kim duplicate story, as a silver mimetic-space fluid (Tom, did you get more excited than I thought?) replicates the two crewmen.  Eventually, we find the originals, and it turns out the silver fluid just wants to be loved.  Or experience consciouness. One of them.  At which point Janeway says “Hey, let’s duplicate the entire crew, that’ll be a spiffing idea and won’t in anyway utterly breach the prime directive and violate every single person aboard’s essential self-identity“.

Sunny with a slight chance of acid rain, and body duplication

Okay, okay, there’s a line about “Checking everyone’s cool with it”, but then seconds later the Voyager lifts off, leaving behind 130 odd duplicates.  Either Janeway’s the most persuasive speaker ever (hah, no evidence of that!) or the whole crew just goes “Okay, Captain.  I didn’t need to be unique anyway”.  Guess they’re all a real bunch of individuals.


I liked this better when it was called ENT: Doctor’s Orders.  No, honestly – I’ve seen this all before, ship has to pass through deadly-through-shields region of space, crew all go into stasis save for One (ho ho) immune character, said character starts going batshit crazy and hallucinates, day is saved by burst of speed out of death zone, it was all (mostly) a dream.

Once again – Harry Kim’s main/only role is to be the face of suffering

Okay.  One was broadcast in 1998,  fully 7 years earlier than Doctor’s Orders, so for once it’s not Voyager that’s ripping off someone else’s plot.  However, given I saw the Enterprise episode not so long ago, this one felt really flat.  Speaking of flat, unlike Phlox, we are not treated to a naked Jeri Ryan wandering around the ship with the Captain’s pet dog (or Harry Kim, who I assume plays the role of Porthos).  Shame.  Anyway, it’s not a terrible episode, but since I’m already fed up with 7 of 9 centric episodes this season, I could have lived with any other member of the crew staying awake in her place.  Even Neelix, since his best episodes of his are those where he has to face his own inner fears without the ability to switch to cheerful denial through slavish servitude to the rest of the crew.  A missed opportunity.

Hope and Fear

Colour me shocked on a number of levels, as this was a pretty decent episode to round the season out!  Okay, it’s bookended by yet more scenes of Janeway and 7 of 9 in their sometime pseudo-maternal relationship working out together.  And yes, while 7 wears a slinky catsuit, Kathy wears a smock.  But the rest of the episode, not bad at all, and kudos for not giving us a cliffhanger but a done-in-one storyline.  This week the crew stumbles across an advanced federation ship, the USS Dauntless (NX-01A…er…isn’t that Enterprise?) after a superfriendly linguistic alien called Arturis (Ray Wise, another RoboCop alum) finally reconstructs the message from Starfleet received earlier this season via the Hirogen’s network.  Cue the discovery of a slipstream drive that could get the crew home.  For once, Janeway manages to look this gift horse in the mouth and gets ultra-suspicious of everything coming up Millhouse suddenly all at once.

Impractical AND Tasteless. Well done.

She’s right, because it turns out the Dauntless is actually Arturis’ ship, disguised by holograms.  Turns out his race got nommed  by the Borg, as a direct result of Janeway and co helping the assimilation-happy cyborgs overcome Species 8472.  Whoops!  Hence, while he’s not keen on 7 as a former drone, he positively hates Janeway and crew and had planned to drop them all in the lap of the Borg to see how much they like getting assimilated!  When his ruse is discovered, he manages to whoosh off, with Janeway and 7 aboard, but the Voyager rescues them just in time…and he’s the only one left to get assimilated.  Sadly, Voyager’s slipstream tuneup only gives them an extra 300ly (so, still 59,700ly to go then) before it essentially would have wreaked the ship.  Bet they’re wishing they’d not gotten rid of all those Borg add-ons from the start of the season now!

Starfleet’s all about the pointy now.  Disks are SO last generation.

There are, as this is Voyager, some clunky bits.  Torres and her engineering team have been giving the Dauntless a thorough going over, but somehow miss the GIANT SWITCH on the bridge that brings down the hologram disguise. Arturis also gives this soliloquy that frankly screams “For your consideration…“.  And yes, it is 7 and the Captain at the centre of the action.  That aside though, the story does manage to dovetail two of the major themes of the season: 7’s integration into the crew and the message  from Starfleet.  A long way to go, but this story gives me hope Voyager might not suck all the rest of the way home!

What have we learned this season?  Well, like S2 where every other episode had the sodding Kazon and/or Tacotray, this season has firmly been 7 of 9’s.  While, yes she IS more interesting a character than Kes…so too was Porthos.  She’s also rapidly in danger of becoming Voyager’s Wesley Crusher.  Unstoppable alien race? 7 of 9’s nanoprobes to the rescue!  Got an environment no one else can take? 7 of 9 rides to the rescue!  Need to explore the human condition, why it’s a 7 of 9 episode.  On and on and on.  I get that she’s shacked up with the showrunner, but for the love of Q, next season can we have some of the other crew get more of a time in the spotlight?  Harry Kim especially, but Torres and Tuvok, and to a lesser degree Neelix, have been especially poorly served and squeezed out of any narrative development in season 4.  Honestly, I’m struggling to remember anything Torres did of value, other than shag Tom, and she’s a great character – worthy of so much more.  Gah.   Well, maybe the lessons will be learned as we shift into S5.  But, unlike dupli-Harry on that Class-Y world, I’m not holding my breath.

1*: The first message is for Tacotray, and is surprisingly not a warrant for his arrest but a note to say “Hey there, DS9 plot’s wiped out all the Marqui. Soz, okay, byeee
2*: One thing I won’t hold out hope for, is an explanation as to how antimatter injectors can possibly be “opened to 120%“.  Science be praised! Perhaps, the answer is simply that Janeway is a big fan of Nigel Tufnel?
3*: Hang on! Is Voyager swiping plotlines from the future of Enterprise now?  Zero Hour Alien Nazi’s ahoy!
4*: Were the show runners trying to showcase Jeri Ryan’s singing talents to get her a record deal?  Because the singing is…very prominent in the episode, more so than the narrative required.
5*: Spoiler alert, by the next episode the Voyager is immaculate…almost as if this storyline never happened!
6*: Of course, were the captain aboard a starship incapacitated or dead when the Omega alarm goes off – does that mean the entire ship becomes locked in space and unable to go anywhere?  The more I think about this alert, the dumber it seems!